Learn to love yourself: tips & tricks!


In times of chaos and stress, you can take yoga lessons or mindfulness training. But you can also find a solution a little closer to home. Did you know that masturbation is a tried-and-true technique to create some space in your body and mind? This month, it’s time for relaxation and self-love!

Stressful lifestyle

We have to study, work, clean our house, take our children to school, and maintain our relationships with some much needed quality time. In the middle of all that chaos, we rarely take the time to pleasure ourselves, and if we do, we have to get an orgasm fast so we can get back to business as soon as possible.

”In the middle of all that chaos, we rarely take the time to pleasure ourselves.”

The fact that our lifestyle doesn’t always have a positive influence on our brain becomes clear when we look at the number of stress-related syptoms many people have. Especially in those years of your life where combining work life and personal life is quite difficult, burn-outs are right around the corner. Add a pandemic into the mix and the numbers go from worrisome to alarming.

Response to threat

American research shows that 75 percent of people feels stressed at work and 40 percent experiences more stress on top of that because of the pandemic. Unfortunately stress has a negative effect on our wellbeing. We feel irritable, restless, or overwhelmed. We have trouble sleeping because of the constant flow of thoughts and to-do lists that are rushing through our brains. We have headaches and stomach aches, and we constantly feel rushed.

What causes that? Stress is essentially a physical response to a threat. Your nervous system reacts to threats by releasing a rush of stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol. Those hormones help you respond to and deal with threat and danger. Your heart starts beating faster, your muscles tighten, and your blood pressure rises.

Predators in prehistoric times

That’s a great response if you are being chased by a predator in prehistoric times, but it’s not as useful in modern times. Our environment may have changed, but our brains still respond to threats the same way. Where we used to be on high alert when we heard rustling in the bushes, we now get startled by every blip on our laptop or smartphone. Our brains interpret that constant stream of notifications as a continuous alarm signal, so we are always on high alert. Not exactly healthy.

Masturbation and relax hormones

What we need is more time and space for ourselves. For things that make you feel good, things that recharge and energise you. Whether it’s art, photography, dancing, sports, or gardening, what matters is that you detach yourself from the daily hassle and especially all those ‘obligations’.

One of the best ways to feel free and untroubled for a moment is having an orgasm. Pleasuring yourself is a proven stress killer. During an orgasm, a ‘happy hormone’ called endorphine is released in your brain. This makes you feel good and relaxed and is the perfect boost for a stressed brain. When you reach a climax, your body also gets a chance to let go of any tension and float in the here and now for a moment.

No hasty rubbing

Another advantage of having an orgasm is that your brain produces serotonin. This is a hormone that not only makes you feel good, but also relaxes your body so much that it improves your quality of sleep. And we all know how important sleep is, especially when you have trouble getting a good night’s rest due to those jittery stress hormones. Your negative thoughts disappear, your busy mind relaxes, and you can finally recharge with an uninterrupted night’s rest.

Masturbating is great for escaping that daily routine for a moment, but that doesn’t mean that every masturbation session is equally beneficial. Goal-oriented masturbation sessions work well of course. Your body gets used to certain routines and techniques, which practically guarantees an orgasm. At the same, there are better ways to reach a climax. What really matters is that you take the time for a moment of self-love. So don’t start rubbing hastily and just take it slow.

Learning to pleasure yourself

But how do you finger yourself to that explosion of stardust? How do you go from rough and quick masturbation to pure and unbridled self-love? How do you not just reach a dazzling climax, but also feel mentally recharged afterwards?

First, we need to get rid of our tendency to satisfy our lust. Real intimacy needs more than just a quickie while watching Pornhub on your laptop with a buzzing reminder of your next Zoom meeting in the corner of your screen. Real intimacy is also about more than just having an orgasm. It’s about being in the moment, unlocking your senses, and opening yourself up to a deeper connection to yourself and your body. There are so many sources of sensual pleasure that you can’t access when you only focus on reaching a climax.

We rarely touch ourselves in a loving way. And that’s strange, because we don’t like it when our partners go straight to their goal and skip all the best spots. So why do we do this to ourselves? Take your time, give your body the attention it deserves, and explore every area of your body for an all-emcompassing sensual experience. Don’t focus on having an orgasm, but try to be in the moment. That way you get to know your body better, discover what you like, and are better equipped to notice the tension and blocks in your body.

Masturbation tips

No distractions, a good mindset, and plenty of time are the most important conditions for a relaxing solo sex session. So put that phone away and give in to the moment. If you’re able to mentally give in to the here and now, your body will automatically follow suit.

There’s nothing wrong with planning that moment by the way: nothing wrong with putting a self-sex date in your diary. During the day, when your focus on work slowly starts to fade, having an orgasm can be a great boost to your energy level. After your session you often feel sexy, powerful, and confident.

Tips for a beneficial solo sex session

1. Create a seductive ambience

Go to a quiet place without distractions where nobody can bother you. Create a seductive and erotic ambience with silky soft sheets, burning candles, and sensual scented oils. Use all your senses to take in the room. What do you see, smell, hear, and feel around you? Ask yourself what your body needs in that moment. Sometimes you crave soft touches of your lower belly, sometimes you need a firm breast massage, and sometimes you just want to slip your fingers inside.

Also read: Your bedroom, your sanctuary

2. Focus on every part of your body

It’s not just your genitals that are able to create sexual arousal. From your thighs to your bum and from your neck to your earlobes: your body is full of tingling nerve endings and erogenous zones. So don’t limit yourself to your clitoris and vagina, but pay attention to your whole body. And wake up your body with unexpected touches. For example, vary between soft and firm massaging, caressing, patting, pulling, and tickling. Also use surprising objects, such as feathers and tassles. And don’t rush to get to that climax, but take the time to relax your body and consciously feel every sensation.

3.  Change locations

Of course you can pleasure yourself in bed every time, but what about a steamy shower session? The shower is a great place to masturbate, because your senses are optimally stimulated there. There is nothing better than that warm water flowing over your body and feeling hot steam embrace your body. The sound of water falling to the ground also helps you get in a certain mood, because it mutes distracting sounds so you can completely give in to the moment.

Also read: Create your own sexual wellness home spa

4. Use sex toys

Sex toys are also an option to keep your masturbation session fresh and exciting. Toys come in all shapes and sizes: from bullets and dildos to G-spot-vibrators. And the best thing is that toys help you tap into completely new erogenous zones. If you’re used to sex toys by now and you can’t go without it lately, try switching back to just using your fingers in order to connect to your body more.

Also read: The best high-end sex toys for women

The best masturbation positions

1. Clitoral masturbation

It may seem old-fashioned, but the solo Missionary position is still the best position for an overwhelming clitoral orgasm. Lie on your back, place a pillow under your head, and spread your legs. Start by massaging and stroking your inner and outer labia. Slowly work your way to your clitoris and… well, you get the drill. Use some salvia or lubricant for a great gliding sensation.

2. Vaginal masturbation

This is going to sound like a lot of work, but it really is worth it. Bend your knees until your heels touch your bum. Let your finger of sex toy glide inside your vagina and slowly move up and down so you can go deeper and deeper. Vary your movements, from deep thrusts to gentle circles. This is the ideal position for a G-spot orgasm.

3. Anal masturbation

The opening of your anus contains a lot of nerve endings, which makes it the perfect spot for sensual sensation. Sit on your bed with your face down and bum up. This way you can easily insert your fingers, a small butt plug, or anal beads, while you stimulate your clitoris with your other hand. You can also sit on a pillow and ‘ride’ it to get yourself to a climax. Or lie on your back with your feet next to your head and slowly insert a sex toy.

4. Combi masturbation

Place your dildo or vibrator on your bed during this ‘cowgirl for one’ and slowly lower yourself onto your toy until you find the best position: penetration, clitoral, or both at the same time. Ride your toy as fast or as slow as you want and simultaneously play with your nipples and clitoris. Try to connect all those spots to each other by stimulating them at the same time. That way all sexual sensations blend together until they finally become one in a rising climax of different types of orgasms.

5. Look at yourself

A mirror is a great tool to explore your body. Sit in front of your mirror and rub some lubricant or oil over your whole body: your breasts, your belly, your thighs, and your vulva. Glide your hands over these areas and see what happens. Which touches clearly arouse you? Does it arouse you to see yourself in the mirror?

Final tip: Pay attention to your pelvic floor. Most women tend to tense their muscles during masturbation. Try to relax your muscles. A relaxed pelvic floor contracts in a more intense way during an orgasm than a tense one. And that creates a more intense orgasm. Worth a try!

Also read: Masturbation is the new meditation

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