FALLing #1

Most people don’t understand my decision of divorcing a great man, leaving a second family, and giving up a very comfortable life. After 15 years of marriage, I didn’t feel like myself anymore and I felt like I didn’t get everything out of life that I wanted. Ironically, I pulled the plug on my marriage on Valentine’s Day and I chose to re-discover myself and live on my own for the first time. I was the first time in my 31 years on earth that I made a decision that benefitted nobody but myself. Before, I always put others first and myself last. Time for change…

I’m wearing ear buds, hiking shoes, and sports leggings, my hair is is tangled, and there’s a dog leash hanging from my neck. Probably not the most sexy sight of the week, but it doesn’t matter in these moments. This is my time. I’m recharging and relaxing. That’s what it’s about. One of my many discoveries since being on my own. I need it, it gives me energy, I can clear my mind, and I feel waves of happiness with every breath I take. At least, as long as my brother’s dog behaves. I slowly wander through the forest, alone with my thoughts. Autumn has arrived. The trees are changing colour and there’s a warm blanket of orange, red, and brown leaves on the ground. Every season has its benefits, but spring and autumn are particularly beautiful. In the meantime, Boris runs ahead of me. I’m not worried; he’s large, but as innocent as a teddybear. However, others tend to find his appearance a bit intimidating. Too late I notice that Boris enthousiastically makes his way towards a toddler with a, now that I’m standing a bit closer, very attractive father.

“That first look, his smile. Everything inside me awakens. It’s like my blood runs faster, my sense of smell heightens, and the colours of the forest are even more beautiful and warm than they already were”.

I quickly put the leash on Boris’ collar and apologise to the man at least five times for not spotting his son sooner. He laughs openly and says that it doesn’t matter. In the meantime, I secretly say to myself that it’s a shame he has a wife. The handsome father doesn’t notice, talks to me for a little while, and asks if his son can pet the dog. Obviously that’s no problem at all and before I can help it, i’m imagining the father petting something else. I carefully make eye contact. What a great man: open, kind, and incredibly handsome! Just when I want to walk away, he extends his hand; Steven… His touch causes my body to react. Like something suddenly comes alive. I shake off that restless but arousing feeling. I tell him I enjoyed meeting him and turn around to walk away. While I’m doing that, I notice that Steven is still talking to me. He invites me to take a walk together next week. This suggestion creates excitement and unrest. I feel warm, but I surpress the feeling and look at him in doubt. Steven reads my thoughts and tells me he’s divorced. Relieved, I let go of my breath. I only now realise that I was holding it. I carefully smile at him, but on the inside I’m screaming. Will the forest provide me with more than just relaxation this time? We exchange numbers and we agree to meet on Tuesday. While I continue my walk, I try not to daydream about Steven. I don’t understand why I’m so impressed with him. He is handsome and spontaneous, but I’ve met men like that before. It’s not that, it’s his eyes, his gaze. Something about it makes me want to look down. He doesn’t just radiate power, but also seems to see me completely. That makes me feel nervous and attracted to him, which makes me to want to touch him. I feel my cheeks getting rosy. I haven’t even talked to Steven for more than five minutes.

That attraction I feel, is it mutual?

After running with the dog for a while, I eventually manage to stop thinking about Steven. We walk for another hour until both me and the dog have no energy left and I decide that’s enough for today. I take Boris back to my brother’s house and decide to take a bath when I’m back home. Time for my muscles to relax and for me to pleasure myself. While I’m in the bathtub with my eyes closed and my hands between my thighs, two green eyes appear in my mind. I fantasize about being with Steven. The scent of my sandlewood candle takes me back to the forest, to a soft mattress of autumn leaves. Aroused, I imagine Steven kissing me there for the first time and carefully laying me down on a blanket so he can explore my body. I want to take it slow, but my vivid fantasy takes over and it becomes increasingly intense. In my fantasy, Steven is a dominant man who knows exactly what to with me. He teases me, takes control, and knows how to find every sensitive spot on my body. The image is so clear that I can almost feel him on top of me, as if it is really his hands that are caressing me, his mouth that touches the inside of my thighs… Before I know it, I reach a climax and try to catch my breath in the warm water. I’m disappointed to open my eyes and realise I’m alone. I don’t feel guilty about fantasizing about my handsome stranger. With a twinkle in my eyes, I think about next Tuesday while I lay my head to rest on the bath pillow.