Many men don’t mind a bit if things get rough between the sheets. It’s not like they immediately want to start whipping you, but they often like things a bit wilder than usual… Where does this attraction come from? And what do you think about rough sex?
What’s rough sex?
Rough sex is not for the faint of heart and can take on many forms. Some men enjoy dragging their sex partner into bed like an animal and letting it all go. They’ll jump on top of you, firmly hold your body down, and give you a playful slap on the butt from time to time.
Other men like to go a bit further and prefer to explore the boundary between rough sex and BDSM. They tie up their partner, work on her with special sex toys, and pull her hair while penetrating her hard. For them, it’s okay if sex is painful at times. They want to submit or be submitted to.
Biting, hitting, pinching: in an age where we’re all feminists, it’s hard for some men to admit that they like to dominate women sexually. Or that they get sexual pleasure from humiliating or hurting a woman. In the world of BDSM, however, these roles are not set in stone. Men can also be submissive and can have a desire to be sexually submissive.
When it comes to rough sex, you as a couple can decide exactly what works for you. Together, you decide how far you’ll go in your sexual game, no matter how bizarre it may seem to the outside world.
Because yes, you can go pretty far. From light spanking to a Japanese technique like tamakeri, where the man is kicked in the balls. And from gentle biting to nipple clamps and clitoris suckers. Some people find tickling the genitals with a feather kinky. For other couples, it only starts to get good when one partner whips it all out on the other.
Dominant vs. submissive
It doesn’t matter how intense it gets. For most people, rough sex is about the same desire: an intense interplay between dominance, submission, and strong sensations during sex. That’s simply what excites them. Secretly, they love the idea of being taken by force or doing that to their partner. They long for dominant or submissive behaviour – whether in their fantasies, in porn, or in real life.
Is your partner really into it, but do you still have doubts? In the end, what matters is that you’re both stimulated by the game. Rough sex has nothing to do with sexual assault; the idea is that you enjoy it together. It may come across as aggressive to some people, but it shouldn’t be seen that way. It’s simply more energetic, more powerful, and more ferocious than regular ‘plain vanilla sex’. The atmosphere is less sweet, less tender, and less loving in the traditional sense. It can also be extremely intense, because you both know that there’s a boundary that you have to break through together.
Prejudice about BDSM
Rough sex or BDSM is not strange, in spite of the fact that people sometimes claim otherwise. People who enjoy the game of domination and submission are not damaged or traumatised either. On the contrary, a study showed that BDSM lovers are extroverts who are more open to new experiences than the average person. The same study also found that couples who have practiced bondage created more intimacy and trust within their relationship.
Enjoying BDSM-like practices is not a sign that there’s something wrong with you or your partner as psychotherapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly says in an article for The Guardian. About 10 years ago, she conducted a survey of 132 BDSM fans and concluded that their predilection for BDSM had no relationship with mental and emotional disorders or traumas.
Prejudice against BDSM as a sign of psychological stress, an abusive past or personality disorders? It’s pure nonsense, according to Connolly. People simply have diverse sexual fantasies and needs, and there are many ways in which people can enjoy sex. Rough sex is just one of them.
Why do men like rough sex?
We’ve come a long way since our ancestors walked around in caves, but deep down, men still like to take charge. Rough sex gives them the chance to express dominant tendencies in a sexual way. It also gives them the opportunity to be aggressive and intense, which are feelings that they generally need to curb in the real world. Their excitement comes from knowing that brutal touching is usually not accepted, but in this sexual game, it is.
For obvious reasons, it’s taboo to dominate women in bed, but BDSM involves consensual action – and that, of course, completely changes the rules of the game. Rough sex is a bit naughty, a bit daring, and really leaning on the edge. For many men, there’s nothing sexier than watching their partner being immersed in the sexual power that is unleashed during a rough sex game.
As men can freely deal with their desires with a willing partner, they also discover sides of themselves that they didn’t know before. They tap into unknown, intense urges that have lain dormant for years. When these urges are stirred up, rough sex can feel like liberation. Dominant sex does not only have to be sexually satisfying – it can also be a way for men and women to learn more about themselves and each other.
The three main reasons why men like rough sex
1: The element of surprise
The sexiest thing about rough sex, role-playing or BDSM? The unexpected stimulus. If you’ve been stuck in the same sex routine for a while, a surprising tap or daring touch can activate your dopamine receptors. One of the reasons men get turned on by rough sex is this element of surprise.
The receptors on your skin respond more to powerful stimulation, such as rough sex. Biting, for example, stimulates the production of dopamine, but hitting and other strong touches in intimate areas can also bring you into a state of intoxication. In the BDSM world, they call this intoxication sub-space. This is where you end up when pain turns into pleasure and an intense high engulfs you. It’s as if you’re floating in a feeling of bliss. An additional advantage? The orgasms feel extremely intense.
2: Trust and connection
We see it happening throughout the animal world. Monkeys, dogs, and cats bite and lick each other in social rituals as a sign of familiarity. They only bite animals with whom they feel connected. Similarly, BDSM is practiced mostly only within a relationship. It means that you trust the other person so much that you surrender yourself completely and are willing to be dependent on them.
That’s why the intimacy between people during rough sex is more than just a sexual connection. You trust each other. After all, there are few situations in which you should be able to trust the other person more than when you’re hanging in the ropes with a ball in your mouth. For a dominant man, it’s extra arousing that his partner surrenders to him in this way. He has the power to do what he wants, and it’s up to him not to abuse that power. She literally and figuratively puts her body in his hands. You can’t get any closer to each other than that.
3: Power is addictive
Speaking of power. Power is arousing and serves as an essential part of any sexual relationship, whether it’s rough sex or not. With rough sex or BDSM, of course, it goes a bit further. During rough sex, a dominant man knows he can take her as he pleases. A submissive woman feels that and opens herself up to it. Sexual submission is a matter of receptivity, not of lying passively on your back and letting everything happen to you. On the contrary, she gets turned on by his power and the more aroused she is, the more powerful he feels, and the hotter the sex gets.
Of course, not all men feel the need to take control. Some men want to be dominated themselves. Whatever the preference, the pleasure always comes from either losing or seizing control. Are there typically dominant or submissive men? It’s a cliché, but we all know that clichés exist for a reason: CEOs are relatively often dominated, while men who are ‘lower’ on the career ladder often like to be in control sexually.
Do’s and don’ts of rough sex
Gotten curious? Good, because rough sex can be a great boost to a dull or uninspiring sex life. It brings you closer together and adds a new, deeper dimension to your relationship. Rough sex works best with someone you trust. Talk to your partner about your desires and build up the roughness step by step.
For example, play with sex toys or experiment with role-playing. Dare to try new things, because unexpected experiences have the nice side effect of keeping your relationship and your sex life exciting. Thrilling physical sensations? Yep, you’ll get those too if you dare to indulge in rough sex.
Of course, there are things you should not do. Laughing is a definite no-no. The moment you start laughing, you break the intensity needed to get into the mood. Feeling insecure, and are you trying to laugh away that tension? Try not to, and stay in the moment.
More importantly: agree on boundaries. Rough sex may hurt a little, but your partner should never cross your boundaries. No matter how far those boundaries are stretched, there are always limits that you should agree on together. Of course, your partner is allowed to lean into them a little, but he should never cross them or lose control of himself. Rough sex is on the edge, but it’s always safe.
Tip? Come up with a safe word together. This word is used when you feel that you’ve reached your limits, but the other person doesn’t notice it for whatever reason. This word will signal that everything must be stopped immediately. It’s very important, as the stop signals during rough sex can be a bit unclear at times. Talk about it beforehand, agree on a safe word together, and use it when your play goes too far.
Sex toys for rough sex!
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Reading tip: Femdom: a dominant woman as a partner