Kids, careers, and sex. How do you keep it exciting?

You once had a fantastic sex life. But then the kiddies came along. No, not fictional characters that disappear when you snap your fingers, but your very own children. Whom you love dearly, but who in the meantime have squeezed every last ounce of sex drive from your body. Because who still feels sexy after a full day of work and changing diapers? Welcome to life as a working parent.

Dramatic drop in sex frequency

Ten years ago, you couldn’t have imagined it. That you wouldn’t want to get naked for a roll in a hay with the love of your life any time of the day. But we all know that mutual attraction tends to fade after a few years. You know each other thoroughly now and the jitters of that initial crush are long since gone. Completely normal, otherwise you’d never get out of bed.

But this is the other extreme. No one could have prepared you for the dramatic drop in sex that comes with being a working parent. That, after a whole day of work, washing, comforting, cutting vegetables into snacks, and nipping toddler tantrums in the bud, you would want nothing more than a simple romcom on Netflix about a couple who can’t imagine that this will be in their future. In your pyjamas, with a bowl of crisps just for you, and a guy hopefully wise enough to take refuge elsewhere. On Pornhub, for example.

Once a month… if you’re lucky

Parenting is nothing less than a battle of attrition. Did you used to think you were tired? Hah! You had no idea what fatigue was until you’d experienced a couple of little ones bouncing around all day and then one of them spending the night screaming for your boobies. Sex? That becomes a matter of: ‘Come on, let’s have a quickie. See you again in a few weeks.’ The frequency drops from a few times a week to once a month… if you’re lucky.

Those hours-long tantric-like sessions of yesteryear seem like a vague shadow from a lust-filled past. Post-children, you’ll be happy if you can lie in bed undisturbed for more than ten minutes. And, if you do manage to get off your feet for fifteen minutes, you catch yourself ticking off your to-do list in your mind. With pricked ears, because imagine the baby starting to cry as soon as you get started having a good time. Sometimes you’re even so tired that your eyes almost close as he rhythmically moves in and out on top of you.

Acrobatic positions? Well, good old missionary will do just fine, thank you very much. At least you don’t have to show off.

Juggling it all

Don’t feel guilty about that drop in sex. It’s perfectly normal for sex not to be at the top of your priority list when you have to keep juggling everything and you’re at risk of dropping one of the balls. And, of course, your sex life will taper off once you both become parents. You’ll suddenly see each other in a completely different light and it’s sometimes difficult to see a partner who’s become Mummy or Daddy all day as a sexual being.

Women in particular often need time to get used to that new role. Motherhood not only takes a toll mentally and emotionally, but also physically: with a pelvic floor on the verge of collapse, babies sucking at your breasts and all kinds of weird hormones flying around, it’s sometimes difficult to see your body as something sexual. In addition, after a busy day, you often have little energy, so sex is the first thing that falls by the wayside, and that’s quite normal.

86% of new parents have less sex

In fact, it’s so common that a recent survey found that 83% of women had sexual problems in the first three months after birth; this figure was still 64% after six months, and 11% hadn’t even started having sex yet after those first six months. A British survey also found that 86% of those surveyed had significantly less sex after children came onto the scene. Of these, 27% said they simply didn’t have enough energy to play Twister under the sheets.

Many of the women surveyed found that their sex drive had completely disappeared. For example, one of the mothers said how much she had looked forward to Sunday mornings because she and her husband were both free. He thought they could use those free mornings for sex. But her? She really just wanted to sleep in, but every so often she gave in just to avoid a fight.

Ignoring the problem

Of course, putting your head in the sand and ignoring sex for a few weeks doesn’t do any wonders for your relationship. Because, although there is no ideal sex frequency to have a good sex life, it is worrying if you avoid it entirely.

When you routinely avoid sex, it causes your feelings of lust to decrease, resulting in a downward sex spiral. Not nice for your partner, but ultimately not nice for you or your relationship. Regular sex helps keep your sex drive up. Why? Because your body produces hormones during sex that positively influence your libido. So, it’s smart to maintain your sex life.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should just give in to sexual pressure, but it won’t hurt the intimacy of your relationship if you try to open up every now and then.

Breathe new life into your sex drive!

Sex is and remains the lubricant of a relationship. It is therefore important for the intimacy between you and your partner that you keep touching each other. That way you will continue to feel connected.

A bit of luck: love often flares up again during a good lovemaking session, because substances such as dopamine and oxytocin are released. They not only provide a powerful sense of connection, but also feelings of happiness. Sex is also very intimate. You touch each other’s skin, smell each other’s scent and look each other in the eye. You can’t hide yourself or ignore the other person during sex. You expose yourself, literally and figuratively, and that can ensure that you find your way back to each other.

Sure: If you’re both happy with a kiss and a hug, that’s totally fine. But if you both need more, then it’s time to act. But how do you get your libido to climb above freezing again? So that your relationship not only gets a lot hotter, but also a lot stronger?

Tips for breathing new energy into a lethargic sex life

1. Plan a monthly date with your partner.

Plan a real night out: together, just the two of you, without the offspring, of course. On such a date, when you don’t have to worry about anyone else, you get the chance to really see each other again. Not as daddy with his funny songs at bath time or mummy giving a morning cuddle, but as the man and woman who were once deeply in love with each other. The possibilities for outings are endless. From dinner and a movie, to going to the sauna, or even heading to an adult toy shop. You’ll find that, apart from the children, you can have deeper conversations about the things you care about. You can laugh together, gain more understanding for each other and become closer. Talk about sex? Always a good idea, in such a casual setting where you have all the time you need for each other. So drag yourself away from Netflix, put on a nice outfit and hit the town together. A night in a hotel is always good, because then you can be completely free of distractions and obligations.

Tip: ignore your phone. Better yet, mute your apps and notifications and resist the temptation to look at it at all. Instead, give your full attention to each other.

2. Make time for sex.

That doesn’t sound very sexy, but it works. Of course, you might prefer a spontaneous roll in the hay just like old times, but fat chance with how busy you both are. After all: don’t you have your days planned down to the minute nowadays? Like workouts, hobbies, and nights out with your friends? Why not do the same with sex? When you schedule sex, this not only helps to make sure it happens. It’s also a particularly sexy and long-lasting kind of foreplay. You can bet that you’ll sail through your day if you know that an erotic massage, an exciting role-playing game or a new sex toy is on the menu for that night. That final release at each other’s touch will only become more intense.

Tip: send your partner a flirty text in the morning that leaves little to the imagination. Pull out a sexy lingerie set and let the hours of foreplay begin!

3. Don’t forget foreplay.

Over the years, a predictable pattern will have taken hold of your sex life. A little fumble here and there and there you have it. You know exactly what to do to make each other ready to go, but the excitement and spontaneity are often hard to find. Worse, you get yourself moist so he can slide in more easily, and, five minutes later, you’re pulling up your pants again. However, it takes your body about twenty minutes to become fully aroused, so it’s not that strange that your sex life is unsatisfactory if you always do it in a hurry. So take the time to light the fire. Play with each other and build it up slowly. That trembling feeling between your legs will appear automatically and at that moment you’ll really be ready.

Tip: start with a passionate French kiss and don’t reach for the usual erogenous zones too quickly. Instead, focus on feather-light caresses along the neck, waist, and thighs.

4. Try something new.

If you want to boost your sex life, you can also try doing something crazy and brand new. A stimulating game like Truth or Dare, for example. Or a quickie in an exciting, unexpected place. Sex toys are, of course, another sexy way to bring fire back into the bedroom. Also exciting (and educational): the sex list. Once in a while, make a list of sexual fantasies with your partner. Divide the list into Yes/No/Maybe columns and see where you find matches. Then agree which fantasies you want to make reality in the near future. Try to be open to each other and don’t be ashamed of your desires. Who knows, maybe you’ll share a few and the list will take your sex life to a whole new level!

Always keep talking

The most important thing? That you keep talking to each other. Openly and without shame. That can be difficult with a sensitive subject like sex and even more difficult if you find yourself being pulled in a hundred different directions. Between demanding jobs and attention-seeking children, it’s just a challenge to keep listening to each other. But if you do take the time to share feelings, whether they’re about sex or not, you’ll find you can empathize better. And that in turn will ensures that you remain more strongly connected. And that means in the bedroom as well.

So don’t think that you have to immediately get started with smashing sex positions to find your way back to each other. Start by just talking. Touch and caress each other. A loving kiss. Then the rest will follow naturally.

Also read: Column: Taking Time for Sex