Column: Taking time for sexuality


Our daily lives are full of obligations: we have to work, exercise, take care of the kids, maintain social contacts, find time to unwind, and the dog needs to go for a walk every day for at least a couple of hours. With all these responsibilities, time goes by quickly. And with all that time slipping away, there is not much left to invest in something that we definitely not want to see as an obligation: sex!

I often say that sex is a luxury product: when we are busy, when there is stress, one of the first things we seem to abandon is having sex. Sex requires some kind of investment. It requires time. And once you’re able to make the time, the effects of it will follow through in all of your other obligations. Sexuality enables connection and it strengthens your self-esteem and self-image.

It is such a shame that so many people allow themselves too little time to spend on sexuality. To take the time to identify what it is that you like, or to identify what it is that you don’t like. To take time to buy yourself fancy lingerie, or to give each other a massage all night long. To take time to lie on the sofa the whole evening, naked, under the duvets. Or to take time to try and figure out that new toy of yours. Why not try fantasizing during a walk, or remind yourself of the sweet and tender lovemaking session you experienced the other day. Organize a dinner for two and discuss sexuality in the broadest sense of the word with your partner, so not just how it relates to the two of you.

You’re allowed to take the time for sexuality. Really! In fact, it is necessary. It doesn’t have to be there every day, but never isn’t a good option. If you allow yourself to take some time for it, you’ll get so much more out of it. If you don’t allow yourself to make the time for it, it will almost always cause some kind of tension, or it becomes less interesting.

Sex sure is a luxury product in some sense, but you don’t have to justify your decision to let go of an obligation in order to spend that time on sex. You’re allowed to see sex as a desirable obligation, and spend that time the way you, as long as it has got something to do with sexuality. You really are allowed to do that! Enjoy it, however you decide to spend that time.

Also read: Confidence – from intimacy to sexuality

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