Help, my partner and my family don’t get along!

Ah, Romeo and Juliet. It’s no surprise that this age-old classic is so often performed. People identify with the tragic love story of a blossoming romance mercilessly stopped in its tracks by a disapproving family, although your personal experiences are probably slightly less dramatic. But still.

Conservatives and lefties

The combination of a new love and a critical entourage is not always a happy one. Not that anyone’s about to wield a happy dagger on their deathbed à la Juliet, but many young lovers do struggle with the prying eyes and disapproving looks from family and friends.

First introductions are an important milestone as well as a fount of nerves and potentially embarrassing moments, of course. Maybe your new beau is a full-fledged conservative, and you’ve just dragged them and their three-piece suit into a den full of lefties. Or maybe everyone in your family has a university degree and your new boyfriend is only a scaffolder.

Invisible thread

Whatever the situation may be, it’s always difficult to watch high expectations plummet. Especially when you’re madly in love. What makes it even harder is that your family’s opinion probably means so much to you. No matter how independent you become, there’s always that invisible thread that binds us to where we come from. Few opinions matter more to us than that of our parents, no matter how much we try to deny it.

Meanwhile, we find ourselves head over heels for our new guy or girl. And we don’t want to be put into a situation where we have to choose between people we love. We want our parents to approve of our choice, to accept and embrace them, and support us in the decisions we are making. Unfortunately, we’re sometimes met with doubts, criticism and prejudice. Are one or both sides not feeling the love? Then that can put a strain on both your romantic and family relationships.

The right partner and your family

Whether your family is up-front about it or not, there can be all sorts of reasons they’re not cheering for your new relationship. Maybe they worry you aren’t a good match  or that they’re not good enough for you. Or maybe they’re just afraid of losing you.

Some parents go into overdrive and will find fault in anyone you choose, no matter how friendly they might be. The transition from daughter to adult woman can be hard for some parents to swallow, of course, but for some, this change always comes too fast. If your parents have raised their eyebrows at everyone you’ve introduced to them, you may just have to face facts.

The right partner in your family’s eyes? You may never find them. And you don’t have to, because you have to find someone that’s right for you. Your friends and family don’t have to swoon over your partner as long as you do. And if your family can’t respect your choices, they’ll have to realise that they may end up losing you. Or a part of you, because you’ll choose not to share that part of your life with them.

Love can be blind

At the same time, there’s such a thing as being blinded by love. And those who are closest to you are often the first to notice that your match isn’t exactly made in heaven. Sometimes others can spot problems we don’t notice ourselves. We might be so in love that we simply ignore any negative character traits or patterns. Love and lust often cast a rosy-red haze over reality, which can trap us in an unhealthy relationship.

It can be disappointing when parents are less than enthusiastic about your relationship. But sometimes it can be wise to pay attention to what they’re saying. Is your new partner really an untrustworthy player or a deadbeat with a one-way ticket to bumsville? Of course it’s possible that they’ve completely misjudged them. But when multiple people around you start expressing their doubts, it may be sign.

Take off your rose-tinted glasses

Plus, there’s a big difference between conservative parents who completely lose it over a one or two tattoos and genuinely concerned parents that can see how poorly you’re being treated. Why doesn’t your entourage like them? Is it prejudice or are they concerned with your wellbeing and are just looking out for you? Take a moment to reflect and consider their concerns seriously. That’s not to say that you have to dump your partner on the spot, but it does mean that they may have spotted something you’ve overlooked.

Because in those first few weeks and months, your critical faculties are seriously hampered by sparking hormones. The warning lights are blinking, but you’re so caught up in the crazy haze of romance that you fail to notice them. But your entourage is keeping an eye out for you. Can they give precise and concrete examples of ways you’re being belittled or isolated from your social life? Then don’t brush their concerns under the carpet, but listen and reflect. Try taking off those rose-tinted glasses.

Improve the relationship between your family and your partner

But alas, sometimes there aren’t any ominous reasons. Sometimes differences in personalities and backgrounds mean your boo and your folks just won’t get along. Or sometimes, minor irritations will start piling up until no one can remember how this Cold War even started.

So what can you do when you constantly find yourself playing peacekeeper between your partner and your entourage? Here are a few tips!

Talk, talk, talk

Sure, you can always ignore the elephant in the room, but eventually that will only make you grow further apart. Ever been to a family dinner where everything seemed hunky-dory at first? But eventually you could feel the thick and heightened tension in the air? That’s what happens when people don’t air their issues and try to bury their heads. Of course, our intentions are always good. We don’t want to fall out with our families, so we decide to make the best of it. But when we don’t talk things out, issues keep festering until they reach a boiling point.

When you notice that your partner and family or friends aren’t hitting it off, it can be a good idea to grab the bull by its horns. Ask your entourage why they’re so critical. Try to get to the core of their antipathy. That way, you can find out whether their feelings of dislike are well-grounded or more based on prejudice. Discuss the situation with your partner, too, and be frank with both parties: that way they know that you’re not picking sides and are simply trying to bring everyone closer together. To find common ground, the underlying issues have to be unearthed, so that you can all talk it through and come to an understanding.

Relationship problems? Don’t share everything with your family

Sometimes you just want to get something off your chest. Completely understandable, but not always wise. Suppose the relationship between your partner and your family is already strained, then a lengthy report of your latest fight isn’t going to help. Spilling the beans can even have a negative effect on a positive or neutral view of your partner. Because when you vent, you’re only focusing on your doubts, frustrations and disagreements. Your boyfriend can have a million and one positive attributes, but in that moment, the listener is only hearing the negatives.

Then, when you and your partner have made up, you happily move on together. But in the meantime, you stories will stick with those in whom you confided. Of course there’s nothing wrong with asking for advice, but when all you’ve ever done is complain, you can create a one-sided and unbalanced image of your partner that negatively influences the relationship between your partner and your entourage. So don’t air each and every piece of your dirty laundry and remind yourself that it’s better that others not know every detail of your relationship.

Is it more than just a silly fight or slight frustration? Can you feel your relationship slipping into an unhealthy pattern? Then of course it’s a good idea to share your feelings and doubts, so that others may hold a mirror up to you.

And bam, your family and partner hanging out

Is there hope for the relationship between your partner and family? Does it only need a little nudge to stir things in the right direction? Then it may be a good idea to come up with some kind of fun and casual activity. This will give everyone the chance to get to know each other better and to see things in a new light.

Choose neutral ground: not at your place, or your partner’s, or your parents. That way, the space isn’t loaded and no one feels like they’re entering ‘enemy territory’. Don’t try to force anything but try to keep things as natural and organic as possible. No one’s being forced to like each other, but spending the day together without bashing each other’s heads in? Yeah, should be possible.

Try organise these catch-ups on a regular basis and who knows. Maybe this will give everyone the chance to warm up to each other. Ask your family and your partner to try their best to approach each other with an open mind. This will avoid negative interactions and create positive experiences that can tilt the relationship. Bring on the pleasant family dinners that no longer feel like you can cut the tension with a knife!