An ode to boring sex routines!

Een ode aan saaie seksroutines!

Sex routines. They sound boring, but they’re really not. At least, they don’t have to be, as long as you look at them the right way! Did you know that predictable sex routines can help keep the intimacy between you and your partner alive? Make sure that the fire in the bedroom doesn’t die out? Here’s an ode to the ‘boring’ sex routine!

Hot, spicy times? They too shall pass

Relationships demand work, and so does a thriving sex life. Of course, you didn’t realise this during those first few months of sex, when every glance from your brand new lover made your heart skip a beat. Or when you still seized every opportunity to dive into bed together and experiment with sexy positions.

At a certain point, those super horny times are over. Things take a turn for the worse, everyday life takes up most of your mental space, and the urge to jump on each other at every opportunity becomes easier to resist. Sex moves to the background, and it has to, because you’d never leave the bed otherwise. Endless bed-ins are nice, but not when the outside world starts banging on the door. Back to reality.

Great romance

Unfortunately, deep down, we’re not as convinced. When we think of satisfying sex, we think of great romance, bodies trembling with lust, and hours of love-making between the sheets. Not routine sex sessions between getting up and taking a shower.

We’re constantly fed the idea that sex is something you only do when you’re in the mood, and when you have plenty of time to make it as titillating as possible. In our media-influenced minds, that’s what sex is supposed to look like.

Spreading the opportunity

When we don’t have that epic union, we tend to think that there’s something wrong with our relationship, or with the sexual attraction and desire for each other. Still, it’s perfectly normal for this to level off a little over time. In desperation, we then try to light the fire on a monthly date night, where we go all out and end up surrounded by flickering candles and sultry music playing in the background.

A night like that can definitely boost your sex life. Still, what works much better are regular moments of intimacy. It’s easier to improve your sex life with small, routine habits than with a monthly date where it has to happen. Not only do you place far too much pressure on each other on a night like that, but you’re also more likely to have a successful time together if you’re intimate more often. Spreading the opportunity.

Time for sex routines!

So what’s routine sex? Routine sex is regular sex, without jubilant choirs of angels or complicated, exotic positions. It’s straightforward, like a well-oiled machine. No spicy Hallelujah moments, but more a feeling of: “Ah, that was really lovely and nice.”

Admittedly, it doesn’t sound very sexy. Still, in busy, stressful times, it can be very convenient to be able to fall back on something that you know works. As a couple, you know exactly which buttons to press to have a great orgasm together. Sensual? Not necessarily. But this kind of “maintenance sex” is crucial for the health of your relationship.

Different sex drives

The classic problem in most relationships? That there are two different sex drives fighting for precedence. Usually, the man has a more enthusiastic libido, but it can also be the other way around. No matter who wants to get laid more often, a compromise to overcome the difference in needs is often necessary if you don’t want to get bogged down in endless frustrations.

Of course, the partner with the very active libido cannot expect the other to be ready every time. Still, the partner with the low libido should be able to put a little extra effort in every now and then. After all, the desire for sex often needs time to warm up a bit, and it’s something you can grow into. Sexless relationships usually arise when one partner doesn’t feel like having sex, and the other feels frustrated and ashamed all the time.

Primary goal of sex routines

Sex routines can help keep your sex life alive. That doesn’t mean that you have to jump between the sheets at seven o’clock sharp every day. A sex routine can look different in all kinds of ways. What matters is that you come up with a simple and quick ritual in which you take a moment to think about each other’s bodies and each other’s sexuality. Without silly jokes, and without the pressure that it has to lead to insanely thrilling sex.

What’s really missing when your sex life is dying is intimacy and connection. In long-term relationships, it’s important to stay physical, even at those moments when you’re not as horny as when you were younger. Sure, sometimes it’s hard to get aroused by a partner you’ve been sharing the bed with since forever. After all, you often see them sitting on the toilet, picking their nose, or stomping through the house in a stressed or irritatingly unreasonable mood.

From “meh” to “woo”!

The mysterious glow of those first magical months will fade. Still, if you continue to feel physically and emotionally connected to your partner, the intimacy between you doesn’t have to get lost.

And while routine sex shouldn’t be the only sex on the menu, it can certainly help to keep your sex life thriving. If you plan for it often enough, you’ll find that your sex life soon sprints from “meh” to “woo!”.

Routine sex? Everybody does it

Do you think that someone else’s sex life is much more exciting than yours? Think again. A normal sex life is not nearly as adventurous as you might think. And that’s not surprising, argues relationship expert James Preece. His research showsshows that most people usually have sex once or twice a week.

Moreover, these moments of sex are almost always planned, so that most couples have sex on fixed days and according to a fixed pattern. This is in stark contrast to the start of most relationships, when couples happily experiment to find out what the other person likes. In the long run, Preece argues, priorities change, and that’s when the sex routine kicks in.

Quick fix

A survey by the British Metro, in which people were asked about their sex routines, revealed the same results. Senna, for example, says that she and her boyfriend have quick morning sex several times a week which, while not surprising or thrilling in nature, keeps them connected. Other interviewees say the same thing: although their sex routines are above all practical, they also ensure that the physical connection is emphasised over and over again.

It only becomes problematic when routine sex is the only form of sex you have. Just like Mark, who participated in the study. Mark thinks it’s fine that they schedule a quick fix a few times a week to confirm their relationship and their feelings for each other, but he misses the long, romantic sex sessions where they really let loose. So, thinking that routine sex is all you need is a misconception. Variety with longer, more meaningful lovemaking remains a must.

Put in the energy

Ultimately, routine sex is a way for you to grow closer together. We all know how difficult it is to maintain your sex life when the rest of your life is pulling at you. Still, it pays to put in the energy, even when you secretly don’t feel like it.

Think of it as exercising. Usually, you’re not very eager to work up a sweat, but afterwards, you feel great. That’s how sex works too. Orgasms release happy hormones in your body, making you feel happier and more energetic. Feeling and smelling each other’s skin can also make you feel more connected to each other. It can even bring you back to that feeling of love you used to have. Without sex, it’s easy to lose that connection.

A few tips for successful sex routines:

  • Sit down and fantasise together about a favourite sexual memory or a hot lovemaking experience you’ve had together.
  • Fantasise about sexy positions or sex toys that you’d like to try.
  • Express what you’d like your partner to do with your body.
  • Think back to the first time you touched each other’s bodies. What did you feel, what tingles ran through your bodies?
  • Don’t say anything, but just look at each other while you gently caress your partner’s body.

Such sex rituals help to strengthen the intimacy in your relationship. Because you take a moment to think about each other, for example. And the principle is still amazingly simple: by thinking about sex, you unleash the desire for sex. Open up that brain more often and let those erotic fantasies flow through you.

Nice bonus

The bottom line? Realise that relationships and sex lives need constant maintenance. Don’t ignore it because you’re worn out and just feel like falling asleep in front of the TV. Routine sex reminds you of what you have together and what you mean to each other. It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the intimacy and the emotions that it can keep alive. And the fact that doing it regularly makes sex more natural is a nice bonus!

Make sure to always seize the opportunity to fit sex into your overcrowded schedule, however unromantic that may sound. Afterwards, you’ll feel happy and revitalised. Promise.

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