Good sex starts with a healthy mindset


Don’t try to hard to find the secret to good sex. You already have everything you need. Especially for women, the right mindset is the key to a satisfying sex life. Whether or not you’re in the mood for sex mostly depends on the thoughts and emotions that are going through your head at that moment. In this article, we put a spotlight on a couple of the most common ‘sexual blocks’. And we will tell you exactly how to shut down those sex-sabotaging voices in your head.

Sex and emotions

You might think that lust and arousal are interchangeable terms, but they’re not. Lust is essentially the preliminary stage of arousal. It’s that tingling sensation in your body, the thought of your partner or that stranger, and that urge to jump their bones. Arousal means that your body has caught up your lust and is now ready for it as well. Your pupils dilate, your nipples become hard, your heart is beating fast, and your vagina gets wet.

Sexy lingerie, sensual music, or a sex toy can get you in the mood of course. But that only works if you have the right mindset. Especially for women, sex is often more than just a physical activity. It has a strong emotional undercurrent that rides on emotions from the past or from the moment itself.

Are you insecure about your body? Do you doubt your partner’s love for you? Are you afraid of intimacy because of a bad experience in the past? Then no tool will suddenly make you ready to go. But even if you don’t have insecurities or fears, you often need more to get in the mood as well. You need a healthy sexual mindset if you want to have great sex.

Subconscious blocks

The right mindset doesn’t usually appear out of nowhere. Sometimes you’re not even aware that you have several mental blocks when it comes to sex. It’s not always easy to admit that you feel insecure about yourself or your partner. Or that something happened in your past that you’d rather forget.

Many women who struggle with doubts or negative experiences also subconsciously tense their pelvic floor muscles, which makes penetration difficult and painful. A recurring vaginal infection can also make you afraid of pain, and cause you to subconsciously tense your vagina and close it off for ‘intruders’. Weak pelvic floor muscles or vaginal dryness are common causes of an ‘unwilling vagina’ as well.

In that case, trying to get into a positive mindset by yourself won’t work. Ask your GP for advice first and he or she can refer you to a sexologist or a physical therapist if necessary.

Breaking sexual blocks

The good news? There are other sexual blocks that you can work on yourself. In her podcast ‘Unf*ck your brain’, feminist and life coach Kara Loewentheil reveals how to get rid of the things that hold you back and how to adopt a new way of thinking and give your sex life a considerable boost. We’ve collected some of the most common sexual blocks, including the corresponding counter thoughts!

Naked? Scary!

Many women are afraid that they don’t look attractive enough in bed and they worry about their cellulite and love handles. This is such a big problem for some women that they are unable to relax and only want to have sex with the lights off or while wearing a shirt. For these women, sex isn’t the release it’s supposed to be; they are unable to completely forget themselves for a moment. They are hyper aware of their bodies and the ’embarrasing’ positions they find themselves in during sex.

A couple of counter thoughts:
• Your partner is fully aware of how you look naked.
• Your partner is still around and still wants to make love to you.
• New partner? They’ve probably already pictured you naked.
• And if you don’t look like a size zero with your clothes on, they really won’t expect you to suddenly look ‘super model thin’ when you’re naked.
• Being ‘thin’ isn’t the holy grail: there are plenty of people who are more attracted to curvy bodies.

Tip: talk about your insecurities with your partner to strengthen your intimacy. Your partner will probably even put your doubts at ease. Assume that what your partner says is true and don’t wallow in or hold on to your insecurities.

You’re not in the mood for sex

This probably sounds familiar to many people: you’re not in the mood for sex, but you go through with it anyway to please your partner. If sex is a chore to you, or something that you’re too tired to do because of stress, you will never get in the mood. And if you agree to sex out of guilt, it will never be a fun experience you can enjoy. You don’t have to sleep with your partner to please them, that is not your job. So don’t feel embarassed if you’re not in the mood and work on the courage to say ‘no’. By being true to yourself and take the decision of having sex or not having sex more lightly, you will be more open to it.

Some insights:
• Want to get rid of your guilt? Remember that it’s fine not wanting to have sex and that it’s okay if your partner feels disappointed. It happens.
• Want to motivate yourself? Keep in mind that sex is almost like going to the gym; you don’t feel like going at first, but afterwards you’re glad you did.
• Want to feel more attractive? Think back to a situation where you felt really sexy. What were you doing, where were you, and what did you think of yourself? Transport that memory to the here and now.

Also read: These medications can cause sexual dysfunction

You’re afraid to talk about sex

Telling your partner what you like and don’t like in the bedroom isn’t always easy. There’s often that voice in your head that makes you feel afraid that your partner will reject your fantasies or think that your fantasies are weird. It takes courage to be vulnerable, but there is so much to gain if you do.

Mindset tips to boost your courage:
• If I tell my partner what I like, it will strengthen and deepen our connection.
• Our sex life will be even better if we both enjoy it.
• If I open myself up to my partner, I’ll likely be rewarded with a fantastic sexual experience.

Obviously adopting a new thought pattern and getting rid of your old thought patterns takes time. But it is worth the effort if you want to invest in an honest, intimate, and deeper sex life.

Sexy exercises to arouse lust!

If good sex starts with the right mindset, there are probably exercises to arouse those feelings of lust, right? Yes, we’ve found a couple of useful exercises. Here they are:

1. Sit down, face each other, and hold each other’s hands. Look each other in the eyes and think of the last time that you had mind-blowing sex together. Don’t speak, but let your eyes tell the story. Believe us: your bodies will respond to those memories very quickly and you will actually have to restrain yourself from jumping your partner’s bones. Try to hold off on that as long as possible, so the release will be even more intense when the time finally comes to rip each other’s clothes off.

2. Sex is great, but routine is not. Unfortunately, most couples develop predictable sex routines after a couple of years. You know each other’s bodies really well and you don’t put much effort into surprising each other anymore. That routine can dampen your mood and cause you to start avoiding sex altogether. So how do you break the routine? Write down your sexual fantasy on a little note and secretly put it in your partner’s pocket when they leave for work. Make sure you’re both free to spend some time together in the evening and let the desire slow grow during the day. The prospect of sexual release is guaranteed to arouse feelings of lust throughout the whole day.

3. Don’t talk, but take turns caressing each other’s bodies. It’s not about getting aroused, but about listening to your body. Where does your partner touch you? How does that make you feel? What do you like and what don’t you like? Don’t just use your fingers, but your hand, arm, lips, or tongue as well. If you’re finished touching each other, take a moment to discuss your discoveries. This exercise is often recommended by sexologists and helps you get closer to your emotions and break free from negative sexual blocks.

Also read: Partner yoga: making an intimate connection

Dare to let go

When we’re talking about sexual blocks, you may think that you should get rid of those first before having sex again. And that’s usually true. But if you don’t have complex sexual blocks, every now and then you can try not to immediately say ‘no’ when you’re not in the mood. Turn off your thoughts, let your partner touch your body, and see if you can slowly get aroused. There’s a good chance that you’ll get in the mood after all.

Do you still just want to go to sleep after a couple of minutes? Then go to sleep. Sex shouldn’t be an obligation, because that’s the fastest way of squeezing all the fun out of the experience. Also, that would only create a distance between you and your partner. But if the emotional connection with your partner is strong, nothing is standing in the way of you shutting down that negative spiral of thoughts in your head for once. After all, sex is also a matter of daring to let go. And about giving in to the moment and your partner.

Also read: What happens in your body and mind during sex?

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