What should you do when you’re in love with a colleague?

In love with a colleague? Although many people meet their partner at work, it’s still a bit of a taboo. Some companies even have a policy discouraging or banning relationships in the office. But what if you nevertheless find yourself caught up with the prospect of an office romance? Do you keep your distance or do you follow your heart?

A curious phenomenon

Office romances are a curious thing. Just like the proximity principle: the more time you spend with someone, the more attractive they become, which makes sense. If you see them often, you have more chances to see their positive traits . And this increases the chances of your considering something more than a friendship with them.

Forging deep connections

There’s nowhere this principle manifests itself more strongly than at work. When you’re sitting behind the desk of your open-plan office from nine to five, you’re probably spending more time with your colleagues than with your friends, family or partner. It’s no wonder so many people forge deep connections with their work mates. And it’s no surprise that the line between business and personal can sometimes get blurred. And the numbers concur. About 17% of people have a ‘work spouse’: someone they constantly text, talk about work and life with, and grab a drink with outside office hours. And about 22% of people meet their romantic partners on the job. That’s a significant percentage, especially when you compare it to the 10% that meet their partner during a night out and the 13% who scoured countless dating apps to find the one.

Stigma

Despite the jubilant numbers, there’s still a lot of stigmas attached to dating in the workplace. And the risks of office romances shouldn’t be underestimated. Depending on your organisation’s policy, you could even end up losing your job when you fall for a colleague.

But even if your workplace doesn’t have such strict rules, your office romance could put your professional reputation on the line. When you have an affair with your boss, for example, or when you break up with a colleague and can’t stand to be around each other anymore. Such situations can be tricky, given that you will have to work together daily.

Gossip and slander

Not to mention all the gossip and slander. If you try to keep your relationship a secret, you run the risk of your colleagues catching wind of it and the rumour mill working overtime. That’s not ideal for the work climate, your self-confidence, or your relationship. The research previously cited shows the one in three people feel judged by their colleagues, one in six have been subject to ridicule and bullying, and one in ten have felt at a disadvantage or even discriminated against.

Office romances aren’t all roses and sunshine. They can be an emotional tug-of-war for you, your partner and your work environment.

Why do we fall in love with a colleague?

Like we said: falling in love with a colleague is super normal. We spend way more time with our colleagues than with anyone else. We spend eight hours a day joined together at the hip and suddenly those hips can become a little sexier. Developing feelings for someone you see that often is nothing out of the ordinary. Sex therapist Tammy Nelson calls it ‘vicinity attraction’.

Choice overload

Dr Nelson puts it all down to choice overload. We’re overwhelmed by choice. Even on dating apps. We swipe until our fingers turn blue because we’re so afraid of settling for the next-best thing. But at the office, we don’t experience this stress. The choices are limited. When we have to choose between our almost-retired and married superior Hans or the cute lad in marketing who’s really funny, the choice is clear. Because we have fewer options to choose from, we’re quicker to find someone attractive, even if they wouldn’t get a second glance on Tinder.

Art Markman, a professor of psychology and marketing at the University of Texas, identifies four main motives for colleagues to engage in office romances.  Not only do you spend a lot more time together, which makes you see the other in a new light, you also learn a lot about each other’s characteristics and qualities. You observe how your colleague reacts to stressful situations, you notice how they treat others and you might discover you have similar hobbies and interests.

Extra bridge

The latter is important, because research shows that we often fall for people we have things in common with, according to Amy Nicole Baker, an associate professor of psychology at the University of New Haven and author of numerous papers on office romances. Did you end up in the same line of work? Then chances are you have similar interests, which creates an ‘extra bridge’ between you.

And so, you unconsciously take stock: is this potential relationship material or not? If you hit it off, there’s little keeping you from spending more time together and openly sharing vulnerable and personal things with each other. Sometimes, you even see each other in an informal setting, like Friday afternoon drinks or grabbing a drink outside office hours. The more familiar you become with each other, the greater the chance you’ll feel attracted towards each other in the long run.

In love with a colleague: the dos and don’ts

So what if you find yourself crushing on a colleague? And the feeling’s mutual. What next? How do you navigate this intense rollercoaster of emotions and the need to stay professional on the job? We’ve summed up a couple of dos and don’ts.

Stay professional

Most companies have guidelines for dating in the workplace. Make sure you familiarise yourself with the code of conduct and stick to it, especially if your office crush is higher or lower than you in the office hierarchy. At the same time, many companies have started to relax the rules because they’re so difficult to enforce. Which is understandable, because there’s little that can stand in the way of true love and passion, of course.

Plus organisations shouldn’t be looking to punish people for falling in love. Getting butterflies in your stomach when you see your colleague is only human. What matters is how you deal with it. Make smart and mature decisions and always stay professional. Whether you’re flipping burgers at McDonald’s or putting together fancy PowerPoint presentations for the CEO of a software company, the same rules apply.

Have good intentions

Genuine intentions are everything in this world. And the same goes for office romances. Don’t chase after a colleague just for the hell of it or because you’re looking for a fling – you can do that on Tinder. It’s not only incredibly stupid, as a failed rendezvous may lead to lots of whispers in the office corridors, it may also get you into a lot of trouble with your co-workers.

Your co-workers will mirror your motives. If they suspect that you’re using the relationship to climb the ladder or because you enjoy the thrill of an office affair, it’ll have consequences for the way they look at you. Are you truly in love and do you genuinely care for each other? Then your colleagues will see that too and support you. So take your time to reflect on why you fell in love. Is it really your colleague or is it the thrill of the situation you find yourself in?

Be open and transparent

However exciting it may seem, it’s never a good idea to play an endless game of hide-and-seek with your office crush. The longer you keep your relationship a secret, the harder it gets to make it public. And the worse the consequences will be.

That’s not to say you should be knocking on your boss’s door after the first date, but it’s a good idea to be open about things once you’ve established that you want to pursue the relationship together. People will figure it out anyway and it’s a lot better if you disclose the relationship yourself than if you get caught making out in the copying room. So stay open, honest and transparent. That gives you the best chance of receiving a positive reaction. And make sure to inform your superior so that they can decide how to proceed.

Check the hierarchy

It’s never a good idea to start a relationship with someone that works above or below you. Your co-workers’ perception will likely be more negative, it’s bound to lead to gossip and slander, and you may end up damaging your career.

It’s a sexist cliché, but an office manager getting off with the CEO? A definite no-no: you don’t want your colleagues thinking you’re using your body to get ahead at work. Of course, it’s possible that your boss is the life of your life, but make sure to act responsibly and maturely. Ask for another workstation or transfer to another department within the organisation so that you can continue your relationship without any conflicts of interest.

Don’t fight your feelings

Sure, office romances are a bit of a grey area. But what if the love of your life is slaving away right next to you? It would be ridiculous not to pursue anything out of fear of losing your job. Fighting or denying your feelings is of little use. You’d do better to deal with it in a mature a wise manner.

Take the time to explore your love and figure out if your relationship has any chance at success. In the meantime, try to restrain yourself at work: don’t flirt with each other non-stop, but keep yourself in check. Are you sure about each other? Then take that leap and disclose your relationship at work. And be prepared for any consequences that may follow. Remember: love is and always will be an essential part of happiness—probably more so than your fancy job and fat bonus. So go for it, but do it right!

Is your office romance on the rocks?

Unfortunately, not every office romance has a fairy-tale ending. In that regard, it’s not much different to a normal relationship. What is different, however, is that you can’t completely ignore each other after the breakup. Especially when you work in the same team or department, it’s difficult to temporarily avoid each other until tempers have cooled.

But whatever your feelings may be for each other, it’s important not to let them affect your work. By bursting into tears or having screaming matches when you bump into each other, for instance. Keep it civil and professional. If it’s too painful to work in such proximity to one another, consider looking for a new job or transferring to another department. The less drama, the better.

Don’t feed the rumour mill

It’s a good idea to vent to friends and family and try to do as many fun things as possible outside office hours. Avoid your ex at work but don’t be rude or hostile if you bump into them. And don’t feed the rumour mill, as tempting as that may be. You’ll feel better little-by-little until, eventually, you’re completely over it.

A quick summary?

• Know the risks of dating in the workplace
• Familiarise yourself with company rules surrounding office romances
• Put your feelings under the magnifying glass: are you genuinely in love?
• Be open and transparent about your relationship
• Be prepared for the consequences
• Discuss how to proceed if the relationship ends

And last but not least: no matter how hard the ship crashes into the waves, always stay professional. Enjoy!