The rules of friends with benefits: how to do it

Friends with benefits: great sex, no strings attached. It can be a good solution for intimacy if you don’t have a partner, but without rules, it can definitely get messy.

Friends with benefits: what is it?

When we talk about friends with benefits we’re talking about when two people have sex with each other (regularly), but aren’t dating. In short: you’ve got the lusts, but not the burdens. ‘Friends with benefits’ often happens between acquaintances or friends, and it’s different from a one-night stand, which is often a one-off and with someone you (usually) don’t know.

It doesn’t involve a relationship either, because apart from sex, you don’t want anything else from each other. You’re sex buddies, or flings. Thanks to society’s increasing focus on the individual, it’s becoming a more popular thing to do (and enjoy J).

Reading tip: my first one-night stand

The advantages of friends with benefits

Almost everyone needs sex and intimacy, but without a relationship, that can be a bit more challenging to achieve on a regular basis. There are several advantages to having a sex buddy.

You know your sex partner

Don’t feel like diving into bed with a stranger? In that case, a one-night stand or sex date via Tinder is out of the question in your search for intimacy. Friends with benefits can be the perfect solution! You already know each other and know that this person will – probably, hopefully – respect your boundaries.

You can simply text them when you’re in the mood

In the mood to spice things up? You can just send your sex buddy a text that you want to meet up. You can skip the dating part, and jump straight into bed.

No strings attached

Whether you’ve just come out of a long relationship or don’t feel like settling down just yet, the no-strings-attached nature of friends with benefits appeals to many. You don’t have to do your lover’s laundry, meet the in-laws, or talk about your exes – but in the meantime, you can have wonderful sex. Simple!

Friends with benefits know each other’s bodies

A one-night stand can be very exciting and hot. The advantage of a partner is that they get to know your body better and better over time, and therefore know what your most sensitive spots are. This also counts vice versa: you know exactly how to turn them on.

The drawbacks of friends with benefits

Unfortunately, friends with benefits can come with challenges. Infatuation, jealousy, and other feelings: these are the biggest pitfalls of being sex buddies.

One of you falls in love

It’s a bit predictable: the biggest disadvantage of having a sex buddy is that one of you develops feelings when that wasn’t the intention. When you’re so intimate with someone, it’s easy to start liking them a bit more than planned. This is natural, as your body produces oxytocin. And that’s exactly the hormone that makes you bond with others.

You’re jealous

What if your sex buddy is suddenly dating someone else? Or makes out with someone else right in front of you? Or even worse – and I speak from experience – gets someone pregnant because you don’t want to have children with them? It wouldn’t be surprising if it made you jealous: the feeling that you’re a second choice just sucks. Be aware that jealous feelings can arise despite everything, even if you don’t want a relationship with the other person.

You cannot influence the other person’s feelings

Please realise that sex is not a way to make someone fall in love with you. So if you try to win them over through sex, chances are that someone is going to get hurt. And that someone will be you.

You’re getting hurt

Never forget that casual sex is fun, but that it can also hurt you. For example, if the other person leaves immediately after reaching their climax or doesn’t respond to normal, casual texts. You’d planned very carefully not to develop feelings, but you still feel affected by it. Maybe being friends with benefits is just not the right thing for you.

Tips for sex buddies

Think you can manage to be friends with benefits with that attractive neighbour, sexy colleague, or good friend? Read on for some tips.

Pick your fling carefully

A friends-with-benefits relationship works best with someone you find attractive but would never be able or willing to have a relationship with. Someone whose clothes you’d like to tear off, but who you’d also want to get out of the house as soon as possible afterwards. If you have little in common in everyday life, a relationship is also difficult. But if you’re just having sex with such a person, the risk of developing feelings is minimal.

Reading tip: My first time cheating

Talk about any (developing) feelings

It’s useful to agree on any feelings beforehand, especially if your sex buddy is a good friend. Suppose one of you develops feelings for the other, do you stop the sex completely? Do you agree to take a break from being around each other? Or are you willing to see if there’s a chance for something more?

How much contact do you have outside of sex?

Following each other on social media, texting about everyday things, dropping by their workplace: what do you agree on? If you were already good friends, you probably found a good way to deal with it. But what if everything is still relatively new? Also think about how you can deal with this yourself. Would you be able to stay cool if you’re scrolling through your social media and see that your casual sex buddy is dating other people, or do you turn into a jealous, obsessive private detective?

As someone who’s had quite a bit of experience in this arena, I recommend keeping contact outside of sex to a minimum. That way, you reduce the chance of developing feelings. After all, you didn’t want a relationship, did you?

Sleeping together, or not?

You may know the film Friends with Benefits and hope that the relationship between you and your sex buddy will turn out like this: from casual sex to being head-over-heels in love. In that case, you’ve already started your ‘relationship’ with the wrong attitude. Don’t expect romantic breakfasts in bed and consider whether it’s wise to spend the night. Of course, if you can easily separate love and lust, have breakfast together and then hit it off one more time before he or she heads home.

Be realistic

You both wanted casual sex, without a relationship. Endless cuddling, bouquets of flowers, and cooking for each other are not part of it. Be realistic and don’t expect any romantic gestures. That way, there’s less chance of disappointment if your lover kindly asks you to leave right after you’ve finished.

Use protection

Be sensible and use protection, especially if you’re both having sex with other people as well. A condom is the only contraceptive that protects you against STDs. And you probably don’t want to have a baby with your sex buddy either. If you’re only seeing each other, you can agree to both get tested. That way, you can leave out the condoms and only use the contraceptive pill or a coil.

What are your thoughts on casual sex?