How to have an amicable divorce

When you got married, you were madly in love. But years later, that feeling is gone and you and your partner are getting divorced. Divorce is painful, especially when one of you had an affair or if you don’t want to get divorced at all. If you and your partner have children, you will always stay part of each other’s lives. How can you make your divorce amicable, even when you don’t part as friends? 

Communication is key

It’s best for everyone if you and your partner can keep communicating in a friendly way throughout the whole process. This can be difficult, for example if your partner fell in love with someone else and your partner is leaving you for that other person. Even though you feel hurt now, you still have many good memories from your time together. You possibly even have children together. Of course you don’t want your divorce to negatively influence your children anymore than necessary. So keep in mind during every conversation with your ex that good communication is important for the sake of your children. You’re allowed to express your anger, but that shouldn’t dominate every conversation. Even when you don’t have children, communication is important. It will improve the process of your divorce, so you won’t look back on it later with regret about how you handled the situation. If this is difficult for you, try talking about it with your friends or a therapist.

Try to agree on the most important issues

Is co-parenting an option? How will you handle financial aspects, like inheritances, retirement, and alimony? There are a couple of important elements you’re going to have to reach an agreement on with your ex. This is in the best interest of everyone involved in the divorce. The most important elements can be broken down into three groups:

Children (the parenting plan)

A parenting plan is an agreement between you and your (ex-)partner about the upbringing of your children. Among others, it answers the following questions:

• Who has authority?
• Where is the childrens’ main home?
• How do we care for them?
• How do we handle information about/for the children?

Income

• How much alimony will you pay/receive?
• Is one of you going to pay alimony? If yes, how much?
• What happens to your retirement plan?

Divide

• How will you divide assets and debts?
• What is in the prenuptial agreement?
• What to do if you own a business together?

If you can reach an agreement, that will benefit everyone. If this isn’t going to happen, but you still want an amicable divorce, you can ask a mediator for help. He or she will help you find the best solution.

Tell your children together

The moment you tell your children you’re getting divorced is a moment that your children will remember for the rest of their lives. That’s why it’s very important that you put your anger and grief aside and tell your children about the divorce together with your partner. They might be scared, angry, or sad. Acknowledge their feelings and try to be clear about what is going to happen in the next few weeks. Never say something in a moment of anger like ‘mummy and daddy are getting divorced anyway, so the fighting will stop eventually’. Make sure you keep your emotions under control when you talk to your children.

Be compassionate to the both of you

Never forget that you loved each other once. Perhaps you still do, but your marriage still doesn’t work out despite that. Or maybe one of you hurt the other too much. Try to be compassionate to yourself, your children, and your ex. Think about all those times you were happy together and realise how lucky you are to have your health, your children, and the people around you. Try to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s your own choice to forgive someone. Don’t be negative about the other, even though that’s really difficult. Don’t say anything negative about daddy’s new girlfriend or mommy abondoning the family. Of course you can express these negative emotions to your friends and family, but not to your children. 

Who stays at home?

If you live in a rental property, you and your ex can decide who stays and who goes. If you both want to stay, a judge can make the decision for you. If you have a mortgage, there are various options. If you both want to find a new property, you can sell the house and pay off your joint mortgage. If one of you wants to stay, they can buy out the other. You can also choose to keep paying off the mortgage together, which is a good solution if you’re on good terms and the mortgage is almost payed off. If you can’t agree on what to do with the house and the mortgage, then it will need to be settled in divorce court. Another option is ‘bird nesting’. This is an arrangement where the children keep living in the same house while one parents lives with them for a week, and the other the next week. This is great for the children, but very stressful for the parents. You will have to have a second house and maybe even a third, if you don’t want to share your second house with your ex. It’s not always easy to find a new property and sometimes it’s even too expensive. You might therefore also consider other options, like temporarily living with your parents or friends, or temporarily living in a holiday home. 

Also read: How to get back into the dating game

Accept that a divorce takes time

If you’re in agreement with each other on the most important issues, a divorce doesn’t have to take a lot of time. But it’s not a matter of days: you can’t get divorced within a day or two. The parenting plan, alimony, dividing belongings: it all takes time. There are special processes available online where someone guides your divorce. The whole procedure, if you agree on the most important issues, could take no more than two to four weeks. If your divorce proces involves a mediator, it usually take three to four months. It’s also possible that it will take even longer than that, for example if one partner buys out the other on the mortgage. Keep in mind that how you feel when it’s all over is more important than the time it takes to get divorced.

Be there for your children together

Christmas, birthdays, a marriage, or parent-teacher meetings: how great would it be if divorced parents could be there for their children together? That you can spend Christmas together for example? Try to forgive your ex if they hurt you. Your children have the right to receive love from both parents. Think about how much you want your children to grow up and look back on their childhood with fondness. Will they remember their parents fighting all the time or will they remember parents who are on good terms despite everything, even when there are potentially new partners involved?