10 tips for more self-confidence in bed

If you’re insecure about your performance as a lover, if you’re afraid you’re doing something wrong, or if you prefer turning off the lights before having sex, then it might be time to work on your self-confidence. How do you become more self-confident in the bedroom? Don’t be discouraged if you feel like it’s a hopeless endeavour. Even with small practical tips and tricks, you can feel much more confident. Use the 10 tips below and you will find that they won’t just boost your self-confidence in bed, but also in your daily life.

1. Focus on what you’re good at

Besides the things you’re insecure about, there is probably at least one thing that you consider yourself to be good at. Perhaps you don’t feel confident about performing oral sex, but you excel at giving massages. If you’re not great at kissing, you might be a great cuddler. And if you want more self-confidence in bed to get over your fear of anal sex, you’re probably a star at something like masturbation. For the duration of a month, focus on everything you’re good at every time you have sex. At the end of the month, that feeling of self-confidence you gained will rub off on the things that made you feel insecure earlier.

2. Give yourself compliments

‘I am sexy’, ‘my breasts look fantastic’, or ‘I am happy with my penis’. These are example of compliments you can give yourself. Think of at least one a day. It doesn’t have to involve your body or how you feel, but can also be about sex, like ‘I am great at performing oral sex’ or ‘I let go of my worries while having sex’. Keep it simple and say it out loud like a mantra or write it on a Post-it note and stick it to the bathroom mirror. Try it out and you will slowly start to feel more sure of yourself.

3. Try new things

Trying something new in bed is exciting, but can make you feel insecure. The quote by Pippi Longstockings “I have never done that before, so I think I can” is particularly relevant here. Test it out, try not to worry beforehand, and enjoy the anticipation. The most important thing is that you and your partner can discover together if this is something you both enjoy or not. Experiencing it together makes your sex life even better. It shakes things up in the bedroom and it expands your sexual experiences. This prevents sex with your partner from getting boring and it contributes to gaining more self-confidence between the sheets.

4. Insecurity caused by a large penis

Do you have a penis that is too large to fit into a vagina or anus? Believe it or not, you’re not the only one who has this issue. It is something that most people don’t like to talk about, even though that is really beneficial. A penis that doesn’t fit is often the cause of worry, stress, and subconsciously tensing muscles. Talk about it. This relieves tension. Extend foreplay and include a massage, stretching the anus, or fingering the vagina. When you’re ready, it’s time for the next step. Use plenty of lubricant and slowly insert your penis. Stop if your partner tells you to. If you eventually realise that your penis actually does fit and that penetration can be painless, it will greatly boost your self-confidence in bed next time.

Also read: Everything about vaginismus

If you keep going even though one of you is in pain, it will be very counterproductive and can cause even more insecurity. Everyone experiences pain every now and then, for example because of vaginal dryness, a latex allergy, deep penetration, or tight foreskin. It’s important to see this pain for what it is: a signal from your body that you should slow down. Take a step back when you or your partner experiences pain.

5. Leave the lights on

Do you tend to hide below the covers because you’re insecure about your body? Perhaps there are stretch marks on your body after a pregnancy or maybe you have large scars. Belly fat or excessive hair can also cause insecurity. However, chances are you focus on your imperfections much more than your partner does. He or she is mad about you, including all your (in your eyes) imperfections. Therefore, your partner kissing your large scar or caressing your body does wonders for your self-confidence.

6. Humour helps

You don’t have to be good at every sexual activity. Practice makes perfect. And even if it doesn’t, your attitude will be the deciding factor. Sex is much better if you are happy and positive. Being confident in bed helps, but if you stumble, use humour. If you’re thrusting hard and your penis suddenly shoots out of your partner’s vagina or anus, if you almost fall out of bed during a BDSM session, or if you accidentally fart during penetration, you can make still make it a successful moment if you just laugh about it and have fun with it.

7. Wear what makes you feel sexy

There is no specific way to look self-confident, but if you wear an outfit that makes you feel sexy, you are likely to be more confident in bed. A lace bra, underwear that makes your penis look good, a seductive negligee, or perhaps even lipstick: wear it if you love it. You will automatically feel sexy and it’s a very easy way to create more self-confidence in the bedroom.

8. Focus on what you like about your body

Focus your attention on the best parts of your body instead of trying to accept the features you don’t like. This takes a lot less effort. When you look in the mirror, concentrate on what you like about your face or body. The things you don’t like as much will then fade into the background. And if you are content, you are likely to feel more confident in bed.

9. Talk to your partner

Talking about your insecurity is often a relief. Talk to your partner about what worries you and what makes you insecure. Perhaps they can help you by focussing on what you do well or by giving compliments or tips. A sympathetic ear can reduce your worries.

10. Find professional help if necessary

A simple but effective way to be more self-confident in bed is by finding the cause of your fear or insecurity and working on that. Sometimes a good conversation or a positive experience isn’t enough, in which case it’s recommended to find professional help. For many, this is a difficult step, especially because it’s strange to talk about sexuality with a stranger. But it can be a great relief and is essentially a gift to yourself. Seize that opportunity and realise that it will benefit you for the rest of your life.