What really turns you on?

Waar raak jij écht opgewonden van

The title of this article seems like a simple question to which you can give a simple answer. For many, however, it’s really not. At least, that’s what relationship therapists tell us. According to many of them, people find it difficult to discover what really turns them on, let alone express these sexual desires. Why is that, and how can you find out what works for you? Read on!

What turns you on is yours

It’s important to know that what turns you on can be very different from what you think should turn you on. Chances are that you’re strongly influenced by norms and ideas that society considers normal. We’re surrounded by sexualised advertisements, perfect pictures on social media, the best sex in movies, and exaggerated sex in porn. As a result, we unconsciously have unrealistic expectations about sex. In addition, you may be unclear about why you’re not aroused by what you think arouses you.

“As a result, we unconsciously have unrealistic expectations about sex.”

The truth is that arousal is different for each person. Our sexual preferences are specific. There are absolutely no rules when it comes to turn-ons, and almost nothing is wrong. Each person’s eroticism is unique – think of it as a fingerprint. So whether you’re turned on by massages, audio porn, erotic stories, sex toys, hentai, or a fetish: it’s totally fine!

Take the time to get to know your body; slowly and intensely

First of all, it’s important to spend time on the physical side of your arousal. Where and how do you like to be stimulated? Which body parts respond to touch? And what touch in another person stimulates you? If you’re conscious of this, you’ll soon find out what suits you and what doesn’t. The same goes for the pace you need to get excited.

Try not to focus only on your genitals; explore your entire body, including your ears, feet, neck, thighs, etc. Be creative with where you focus your sexual attention. You may find pleasant surprises when you (re)discover your body.

You can embark on this journey of discovery either by yourself or with your partner. Give free rein to all the ideas you have about what you might like, and don’t judge yourself or your partner. Feel free to love and exercise your passions.

Determine which sexual atmosphere suits you

Dynamics and atmosphere are two aspects that should not be underestimated in sex. There’s a reason why your mind is considered the largest sex organ. After all, your sexual fantasies take place in your head, and physical actions are a consequence of that. Always start by creating the right atmosphere. Whether you do this with candles, music, role-playing, watching porn, or reading stories: it’s different for everyone. As long as you take the time to get into the right mood in your own way, anything works!

If you feel comfortable, you can put your thoughts to work. Do you have specific sexual fantasies? What’s the best sex you’ve ever had, and why? Which book turned you on and why? By asking yourself questions like these, you’ll know exactly what you need to get into the right state of mind.

Read and watch erotica

The internet is full of erotic stories and porna. Immerse yourself in the world of online erotica and find out which scenarios turn you on. Make sure you don’t just read and watch the “mainstream” stories, but push your boundaries and discover different themes. Think about power, romance, security, submission, or BDSM.

“Immerse yourself in the world of online erotica and find out which scenarios turn you on.”

What we find arousing isn’t necessarily aligned with who we are in real life or what we value. Moreover, being turned on by something does not necessarily mean that you want to do it. Nothing is forbidden in our minds, just use it!

Write down your fantasy

Instead of reading or listening to erotic stories, it’s also sexy, fun, and educational to write down your wildest fantasies yourself. When you write your own stories, they automatically contain elements that excite you. It can be sexually enlightening, both for yourself and for your partner. Keep the stories personal and relate them to yourself; that’s the only way it’ll work.

If you have a partner, it can be interesting to write an erotic story separately. Read each other’s story and discuss it. Maybe there are hidden desires on both sides that could make your sex life a lot more fun.

Ready to explore?

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, exploring your own sexual excitement is a great thing. Everyone deserves to maximise their enjoyment of an exciting and satisfying sex life. Break free from “normal” patterns and find out what feels best for you. That’s what it’s all about! Recognising and acknowledging your definition of eroticism is the key that opens the gateway to an enjoyable sex life.

What turns you on?

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