The science behind falling in love

Falling in love: that overwhelming feeling where that one person is the only thing on your mind. It comes with all kinds of strange side effects: you want to share everything with that person, it seems to happen suddenly and without any warning, and the rest of your life (temporarily) fades to the background. How does falling in love work exactly? What happens in your body when you fall in love? What do scientists say about it? We’ll try to answer these questions and more.

Falling in love: this is how it feels

It’s called ‘falling in love’ because it feels like you’re falling and don’t have any control over your feelings. If you’re in love with someone, you want to be with that person as much as possible. You want to share your thoughts and feelings with him or her, no matter how trivial they are. Being in love also comes with sexual feelings. You want to be as close to the other person as possible. Being in love is a strong emotion that seems to last forever when you’re experiencing it, and is similar to other kinds of intense emotions, like joy or grief.

How do we fall in love?

There isn’t a clear scientific explanation for how we fall in love. Many scientists consider it to be a tool of nature. Two people are attracted to each other, have a relationship, and eventually procreate, just like in the animal kingdom. This is an oversimplification of course, but it’s currently the most plausible theory. There are a couple of important factors when it comes to falling in love. For example, people are generally attracted to people who are like them. Not 100% the same of course, but of the same age and ethnicity, and with the same values, intelligence, political orientation, and religious views.

Also read: Opposites attract: are you like-minded or opposites?

How does falling in (and out) of love work?

Falling in love can take a long time. It’s possible that your feelings continue to grow during weeks or months of dating. But there is also love at first sight. This may sound far-fetched, but it really does exist. We’ll talk about this more later.

According to anthropologist dr. Helen Fisher, there are three fases of falling in love. The first is lust: this is caused by testosterone in men and estrogen in women. During this phase, you mainly have sexual feelings towards the other person. The second phase is attraction. This involves that feeling of euphoria, caused by the production of chemicals in your brain. And finally, you enter the third phase: connection. During this phase, oxytocin is released, the love hormone. You feel more and more connected to your partner and you start to make plans for the future.

But what about falling out of love? This also involves the chemicals and hormones in your brain. For example, the release of dopamine in your brain decreases. “And that’s a good thing,” says psychiatrist dr. Susan Edelman, “because you can’t function when you’re obsessing over your partner like you do at the start of your relationship.” The release of serotonin and norepinephrine in your brain decreases as well. But this doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. Doing exciting things together can (temporarily) increase your dopamine levels again for example. 

Scientific explanation: this is what happens in your body and brain

Love at first sight really does exist. Research from Syracuse University in New York, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, shows that it only takes a fifth of a second to fall in love. Research conducted by professor Stephanie Ortigue indicates that no less than twelve areas of your body work together when you fall in love to release various hormones and chemicals in your brain, like dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol, serotonin, and oxytocin. Dopamine creates a pleasant feeling, which can make falling in love feel just as euphoric as when you were to take XTC. Adrenaline can cause sweaty hands and rosy cheeks. Do you feel butterflies in your stomach or is your heart beating fast? This is all caused by the release of brain chemicals.

Being in love: a matter of the heart or the brain?

When asked if the heart or the brain falls in love, Ortigue says: “That is a difficult question. I would say the brain, but the heart is involved as well, because it is an interaction between the heart and the brain.” Besides the release of hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, being in love also affects the ‘nerve growing factor’, or NFG: a protein that produces your brain cells and keeps them healthy. People who just fell in love have a larger NFG. The release of dopamine is not all positive by the way. It can also lead to obsession or irrational behaviour: the so-called ‘love makes you blind’ situation.

Difference romantic love and motherly love

Various researches show that romantic love differs from, for example, the love that a mother feels for her child. This difference is even visible during brain scans. In the case of romantic love, you may experience the feeling of euphoria. This motivates you to actively pursue the person you’re in love with if you’re not together yet. Motherly love looks very different on brain scans. If a mother looks at a photo of her child, a deep part in the middle of the brain lights up. This is the area that contains receptors for the connection between mother and child.

Can you stay in love for ever?

For a long time, scientist were convinced that being in love for ever doesn’t exist. Usually, the feeling of being in love disappears after a couple of years and slowly transforms into ‘regular’ love. However, research conducted by Stony Brook University in 2009 shows that even people who have been in a relationship for twenty years can still show symptoms of being in love. When these people looked at a photo of their partner, researchers noticed high activity in the dopamine system during the brain scan. Scientists call this phenomenon of being in love your whole life ‘eternal love’. So, in conclusion, can eternal love be explained? Partially yes, mainly because of the release of hormones in your brain.