Sexual trauma: what is it and how do you overcome it?

As many as one in three women will experience sexual violence at some point in their lives. These figures are staggering, especially when you consider how many women have to walk around with a sexual trauma. How does sexual trauma manifest itself? And what can you do to move on? 

What is sexual violence?

Before we talk about sexual trauma, we need to talk about what causes it: sexual violence or abuse. A sexual assault can be euphemistically described as unwanted sexual attention that causes emotional distress and physical pain. What we’re talking about is simply sexual assault, rape, and incest.

Using ‘simply’ here might seem inappropriate, but this is reality. Unfortunately, we live in a world where sexual violence is quite common. Especially for girls and women. In about 90% of all rapes, the woman is the victim, not the man. An attack like this can be an isolated incident, such as a sexual assault in the street or a drunken assault in the toilet of a nightclub. But incest and long-term harassment also fall under sexual violence.

According to Dr Anadel Barbour, sexual violence is almost never about sex. Instead, assault and rape are attempts to gain power over others. Sex, in this sense, is the means, not the end. It’s not for nothing that rapists usually choose “weak or vulnerable looking” women when they’re on the hunt. They want to be sure that they are in control. And what better way to do that than to take control of someone in their most intimate parts? 

Forms of sexual violence

There are various forms of sexual violence. We can classify them as sexual assault, rape, incest, and unwanted sex within a relationship.

The laws and definitions surrounding sexual abuse are constantly changing. For example, marital rape was not a legal construct until the 1970s: a man could not be charged with raping his wife, no matter how hard or how often she said “no”. And in the Netherlands, an unwanted French kiss was still considered rape until 2013. This has since been changed, as the difference between a forced tongue in the mouth and a forced penis in the vagina was considered too big.

• Rape: Sexual contact with someone who doesn’t want it, is not mature, or is not able to give consent. This sexual contact consists of unwanted penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth with the penis, fingers, or an object. Rapists are not necessarily strangers; even partners could rape you if you don’t want sexual contact.

• Sexual assault: If someone is forced to perform sexual acts, such as touching breasts, buttocks, penis, or vagina. Forcible kissing is also sexual assault, as is supposedly playful grabbing or pinching by a touchy-feely colleague or some random guy at a pub.

• Child abuse: Any form of sexual contact with a child. Many children who are abused are too young to understand what’s happening. Sometimes they’re manipulated into thinking that it’s normal to be touched down there or to perform sexual acts. The fact that the child appears to be cooperating voluntarily is often cited by abusers as an argument that they haven’t harmed the child. However, child abuse nearly always results in psychological problems later in life.

• Incest: Sexual contact between family members. It usually involves an adult abuser and an abused child. Examples are a father groping his daughter or an uncle assaulting his nephew. In America, more than one-third of victims of sexual violence under the age of 18 have been abused by a family member. Unfortunately, incest often stays under the radar, so the numbers are probably higher.

• Sexual violence without sexual contact: Sometimes, a victim of sexual violence is not touched sexually. For example, parents who have sex while their children are present are guilty of sexual violence. So are people who post nude photos of their exes on revenge porn sites.

How many people experience sexual violence?

It’s difficult to put an exact figure on it. As sexual violence often involves emotions such as shame and fear, many incidents remain under the radar. Not everyone dares to report it, sometimes because some girls and women think, deep down, that they themselves are to blame, for example, when the rapist or assaulter is  someone they know and trust, such as their partner.

Still, there’s plenty of clear evidence that sexual violence is shockingly common in our world. According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), as many as 1 in 3 women experience physical or sexual violence, whether it’s with a partner or a complete stranger. Most sexual violence, however, takes place between people who know each other. Around 25% of women between the ages of 15 and 49 in a relationship have been subjected to some form of violence by their partner at some point.

What are the effects of sexual trauma?

According to Barbour, such violence always leads to trauma, but it often manifests itself in different ways. Every woman reacts differently to a violation of her bodily autonomy. Some retreat into their shells and become socially anxious, while others suddenly become actively promiscuous. And then, of course, there are the countless grey areas in between.

Nightmares and flashbacks

How you react to abuse and violence is thus complex and very individual. But whether you suffer serious damage or manage to get through it reasonably well, the impact of sexual violence always goes beyond the physical harm.

For many women, the trauma can be devastating, making them feel fearful, ashamed, and lonely. They may find it difficult to trust others and may even stop trusting themselves. They may start to doubt their own judgement and begin blaming themselves for what happened. For these women, relationships can feel threatening and intimacy may become impossible. Plagued by nightmares, flashbacks, and painful memories, the world can feel very unsafe for victims of sexual violence.

Consequences of child abuse

Relatively often, women who have been abused as children develop PTSD and in severe cases symptoms of personality disorders such as borderline personalities. They often have difficulty bonding, struggle with intimacy and maintaining relationships, or are overly dependent on others. Some women become afraid of sex, develop vaginismus, and isolate themselves. Other women go wild and adopt a promiscuous lifestyle to boost their tarnished self-esteem. Anxiety, depression, shame, self-hatred, eating disorders, and addictions to drugs, alcohol, or food can all be manifestations of early childhood abuse.

Effects in adults

Adult victims of sexual violence often develop short- or long-term psychological problems. In the short term, they might experience shock, fear, nervousness, confusion, and emotional distance. In the long term, they may struggle with eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual dysfunction, physical symptoms out of the blue, and even PTSD and suicide. The risk of mental health problems depends on the severity of the attack, other negative experiences, and how mentally stable the victim already was. A person with anger management issues, a lack of self-control, or an already unstable emotional life will usually have more difficulty coping with sexual trauma.

Fight or freeze

The development of sexual trauma depends on the individual, the type of abuse, and the support and resources available to the victim afterwards. How they react during the violence can also affect the recovery. A woman who struggles and stands up for herself may feel less shame than a woman who freezes out of fear and “lets it happen”. Both reactions are completely normal and one is not better than the other. Still, in the victim’s eyes, it can often make a difference and this can influence the healing process.

How can you deal with sexual trauma?

First of all, it’s important to realise that feelings of shame and self-hatred are normal reactions to sexual trauma. Trauma simply makes you feel vulnerable and powerless. Remind yourself of your strength and tell yourself that you can overcome it.

However difficult it may seem, with these techniques, you can learn to accept what has happened and try to move on with your life:

Be open about what happened

It’s difficult to tell someone that you’ve been assaulted or raped. It can make you feel weak or dirty. You may also be afraid of the reactions of others. Still, if you keep quiet, negative feelings will only grow. As scary as it may be to open up, it’ll make you a freer person who’s better able to deal with their trauma. Ignoring or hiding the truth will get you nowhere.

Talk to someone you trust. Someone who’s calm, empathetic, and supportive. If you don’t want to tell someone close to you, you can seek help from a therapist or a support group for victims of sexual violence. This will make you feel less alone and it’ll give you the opportunity to work with others on your recovery.

Learn to deal with shame and guilt

Of course, rationally, you often understand that the violence was not your fault. Emotionally, it’s a different story. It may seem easier to hide, but try to face up to it. Only when you can look your trauma straight in the eye will you be able to accept that it was not your responsibility.

Remember, you are never responsible for the sexual violence inflicted on you and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. The only guilty party in this story is your attacker. They should be ashamed, not you. Not even if you were drunk, not even if you flirted with them first, and not even if you chose to go home with them before things took a violent turn.

Stay connected to your body and your feelings

Women with sexual trauma often try to smooth over their feelings. They often feel as if they’re watching their lives from a distance, as if they’re not really participating in them. Some women lose themselves in alcohol or drugs to suppress unpleasant memories. Or they escape from real life through fantasies, gaming, and endless TV watching. They might feel cut off from the world and from the people and activities they once enjoyed.

This shows that you cannot selectively switch off emotions. If you cut off all unpleasant feelings, you also cut off your joy in life. Of course, it’s scary to admit intense feelings, but what happens if you don’t is much scarier. The real danger lies in avoiding feelings and memories. Only when you’re back in touch with your body and your feelings can you start building a confident and powerful you.

Tip: Try dance, drumming, meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, or massage. The latter can be difficult after sexual violence, but through safe and controlled touch you can learn to open up again to human contact.

Stay in touch with others

It’s normal to feel isolated after sexual violence. You may withdraw or avoid your friends and family. Still, it’s important to stay connected to the people who care about you. Emotional support is essential to your recovery.

That doesn’t mean that you should always talk about your sexual trauma. A good laugh or a night of TV bingeing with friends can be just as beneficial as an in-depth therapy session. Participate in social activities, even if you don’t feel like it. Immerse yourself in things that have nothing to do with your trauma. Dive into a workshop or pick up an old hobby.

Take care of yourself

Healing from sexual trauma is a long process. Sometimes, you never fully recover from it. The memories are always present in the background for many women, and this can make things very difficult.

Listen to your body and take the time for your recovery. Are you tired? Then take it easy for a while. If you can’t seem to relax, you may benefit from relaxation techniques such as meditation and yoga.

Be sensible about your media use. Avoid watching programmes that stir up your trauma and trigger painful memories. Social media can also have a negative effect, especially when you read the endless streams of reactions to news items. Good, healthy things to focus on? Eating well, exercising, watching your sleep patterns, and getting plenty of rest in nature and the greenery around you. Avoid the tendency to reach for the bottle, a joint, or a bag of crisps when you feel bad. They solve nothing and will make your symptoms worse.

Overcoming sexual trauma

Have you noticed that your sexual trauma is starting to take over your life? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Traumatic experiences such as rape can cause your nervous system to lock into a constant state of extreme alertness. You can become sensitive to the slightest stimuli and you might immediately panic if something happens that reminds you of the violence.

Of course, it’s not always possible to prevent flashbacks. But if you feel like you’re losing touch with reality, it’s good to seek help. Try to calm yourself with breathing exercises and seek help from a specialist therapist or support group.

Healing sexual wounds is a deep and painful process, but it’s worth it if you want to feel strong and full again. Remember how resilient you are. And remind yourself that it’s never too late to overcome sexual trauma.