Sexual shame: what causes it and what can you do about it?

Sexual arousal has two special characteristics: it reduces disgust and diminishes inhibitions. If you aren’t aroused, you are more prone to feeling inhibited and experiencing disgust.

Reduced inhibitions

When you’re not experiencing arousal, which is the case in most day-to-day situations, you are much more aware of everything: the way you behave, the things you say and how others see you, and you act according to the norms of your surroundings.

But then, as soon as you get the chance to escape a day-to-day situation into a more sexual context, you’ll notice that your values change: you wear less clothing or you dress up for the occasion. You wear your hair down even though you normally put it up. The look in your eyes change and you become more aware of your own body. You flirt and feel the touch of your lover’s hands, or your own hands, on your body.  You relax and your body squirms with pleasure.

Erotic brain

When we find ourselves in a sexual context, our daily, practical and rational functioning brain switches to our erotic brain. In that erotic brain, everything works slightly different: we get to let go of everything, we get to unwind, fantasize and discover. We get to be curious and let go of all control. We’re allowed to feel everything, and our inhibitions diminish. We say things we otherwise wouldn’t dare say, and we touch ourselves with an endless sense of freedom: your breasts, your hair, your neck and your face. And someone else gets to touch you in places you would otherwise shy away from.

This is exactly what sexual arousal does to people. It reduces disgust and diminishes inhibitions, allowing thoughts, words and touch to feel intense and arousing. Thoughts, words and touch that you’d rather not think about in day-to-day situations.

Stimulating arousal

Because of the reduced disgust and diminished inhibitions, unexpected things can cause a lot of arousal. It’s a challenge to stay in that erotic brain and enjoy the arousal. And in order to do that, you need to refrain from going back into that practically and rationally functioning brain by trying to analyze why those things were such a turn-on for you.

Furthermore, you’ll make sounds while being aroused, there will be bodily fluids, and you’ll show facial expressions you otherwise wouldn’t show in day-to-day situations. This happens because you experience less inhibitions and because you are aroused. In a sexual context this is perfectly appropriate, and it might even enhance the arousal of your partner. Thanks to their erotic brain, disgust is also reduced for them, and thus these things cause no barriers for your partner. Even more so, if we notice our partner is allowing themselves to fully indulge in the moment by making sounds, releasing bodily fluids and showing facial expressions, it stimulates your arousal.

The things that you would maybe be ashamed of from a practical and rational point of view can be turn-ons in a sexual context.

Sexual shame

Still, a lot of people are ashamed for things that stimulate the erotic brain:

• The things they like
• The sounds they make
• De bodily fluids that flow
• The ‘dirty talk’ that slips out or that they want to hear.
• The facial expressions
• The squirming bodies
• The arousing fantasies

But the sexual shame will hold you back from truly enjoying a moment of sexual arousal. This makes it harder to stay in your erotic brain. Once you give yourself permission to enjoy everything while your erotic brain takes over, you’ll notice that sexual activity becomes more pleasant. It makes sense that none of that matches with things you experience while your practical and rational brain takes the lead.

You are not the only one experiencing this discrepancy, so don’t judge yourself for it. Let it be. You don’t have to identify with it in any given daily situation, as long as it gives you pleasure and arousal within a sexual context

Also read: Good sex starts with a healthy mindset