Say yes! Give in to your orgasm with these tips

Is it difficult for you to reach an orgasm during sex without pleasuring yourself? Don’t worry, you’re not the only one. Many women experience this problem. There’s a wide variety of possible reasons, from worrying about sex sounds or your orgasm face to simply not being present in the moment. You can work on this by completely giving in to your orgasm. 

Not as simple as it looks

It all looks so simple in porn videos; a woman has an orgasm by being penetrated. Or she reaches her climax within a minute when her clitoris is stimulated. Unfortunately, this not that easy for many people with a vagina. We often need to be stimulated for a longer period of time than men in order to have an orgasm, and our brain, which is great at multitasking, often holds us back.

Why is it difficult to reach to a climax?

There are many different possible reasons for women not being able to reach a climax. There could be a physical cause, like age or an illness like diabetes. Mental health can also play a major part in it. Sexual abuse, religious reasons, depression, stress, shyness, or guilt can prevent you from enjoying sex to the fullest. Your brain sometimes actively sabotages you by thinking about something completely different when you’re partner is pleasuring you. Of course it’s also possible that you’re not being stimulated the right way. Some things are out of your control, but there are also things that you can change or work on in order to take back control over your orgasm.

I can reach a climax on my own, but not with someone else

Do you recognise this situation? You’re very capable of having an orgasm when you masturbate on your own, but when you’re with your partner, you can’t reach a climax unless you pleasure yourself. Penetration, fingering, and cunnilingus don’t lead to an orgasm. Even though you might come close to it, you only reach your climax if you stimulate your clitoris with your fingers or with a vibrator. This is very common, but it can be a problem.

Sex therapist Vanessa Marin says this about these kind of situations: “If you’re able to orgasm, but you can’t reach your climax when your partner stimulates you, there are a couple of possible causes. For example, the wrong kind of stimulation, lack of information or communication, the wrong position, or not giving yourself enough time to orgasm. So it can have a physical or a psychological cause.”

Reaching a climax is not just a physical thing: you have to be mentally present as well. “Is it going to happen this time? Does my partner still like me?” are questions that can prevent you from having an orgasm. Distractions like mentally writing to-do lists while your partner is performing cunnilingus don’t help either.

Give in to your orgasm with these tricks

What can you do to have an orgasm without physically helping your partner pleasure you? Try to keep your brain occupied in a different way, namely with what you are doing at that moment. Relaxing and staying focussed on the prize should make it easier. The tips below will help you focus.

Fantasize yourself to an orgasm

Fantasizing is a great way to increase your chances of having an orgasm. It makes sure your brain is focussing on what it should be focussing on and at the same time provides extra stimulation. Love coach Nikki Leigh says: “Many people with a vulva need more than vaginal stimulation to have an orgasm. Fantasizing can be helpful: whether you do it in your head, enjoy roleplay, or fantasize with your partner, they are all great ways to boost your sex life.”

Linda (36): “I like to fantasize about my favourite singer and I’ve been doing that since I was a teenager. We have gone on great adventures together. It’s my way of not thinking about grocery lists and everything I still have to do that day.”

A tip: think about what you like to fantasize about. It can be a real-life experience, but also a fictional story featuring a celebrity, or a sexual experience you would want to have. You don’t necessarily have to fantasize about other people: your partner can  be the focus of your fantasy as well. It’s your choice.

Describe what your partner is doing

Is fantasizing not your cup of tea? Tell yourself a story. How? By narrating what your partner is doing in your head. It can be anything from ‘she sucks my nipples’ to ‘he draws circles around my clitoris with his tongue’. This can help you stay present and focus on what is happening at that moment.

Change your routine and give in to your orgasm

Give in to your orgasm by changing your way of masturbating. We wrote in our article about mindful masturbation that your brain gets used to a routine. This makes it more difficult to have an orgasm if you’re stimulated in a different way. Do you always masturbate the same way? This can cause you to feel less aroused by your partner’s touches, because these are different than you’re used to. It can help to touch yourself in a different way. Do you usually use a sex toy? Try to masturbate without it. You can also try to use your other hand or use different movements.

Kay (29): “I love, LOVE using my air pressure vibrator. And that’s fine of course, but I also want to be able to have an orgasm without using a toy. I now notice that I long for those pulsations if I just use my fingers.”

Remind yourself who touches you

If you’ve been sexually abused in the past, it can be difficult to enjoy sex again or have an orgasm. Dr. Ellie Freedman, clinical director of an organisation that helps abused people in Sydney says: “It is difficult to say if women can really ‘get over’ sexual abuse. A good first step is to tell your partner what you’ve been through. You can leave out the details if you want, but at least let your partner know that you’ve had a really bad sexual experience.” This makes it easier for the other person to understand why it’s difficult for you to get undressed, to enjoy touches, or to reach a climax.

You could set a goal for yourself, like undressing in front of your partner or not crying during sex. It can help to remind yourself who is touching you. That this person is not someone from your past, but your current (sex) partner, whom you trust. Say his or her name  or look your partner in the eyes. This exercise can help your subconscious.

Try to find out what causes your mental block

You can try to find out yourself why you can’t have an orgasm with your partner. If you’re completely honest, do you feel 100% comfortable with your lover? Maybe it’s difficult for you to open up completely, for example because you think that your partner doesn’t think you’re attractive. Or perhaps you suspect that your partner is having an affair? There are many reasons for being a little reluctant and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if you really want to reach a climax with your partner, it can be helpful to find out what causes you to hold back.

Debbie (42): “I’ve always been very conscious of my body and it’s difficult for me to reveal myself. Both literally and figuratively. I prefer to bury myself under the covers and I’m always afraid of rejection. Because of this, it took a long time for me to be able to have an orgasm with my husband.”

Mindful sex: stay focussed

Let’s be realistic: it’s an illusion to think that you’ll be able to think of nothing but your partner pleasuring you for a long period of time. So it’s okay to let your mind wander a little every now and then. Still, it can be helpful to think mindfully. In others words: to enjoy the moment. Try to concentrate on your partner, feel his or her hands and lips, be aware of how the sheets feel on your body, and how you partner tastes and smells. You brain is the largest sex organ you have, so use it! That’s easier said than done of course, but it’s definitely worth a try. You will find more tips that can help you in our article about mindful masturbation.

Don’t forget: it can take a while before you’re able to have an orgasm with your partner and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean it will never happen. Keep in mind that it’s possible that you’ll never be able to, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a very satisfying sex life.