I have a crush on someone. Now what?


Love is special. It’s often irrational, especially when it comes to an infatuation. It may eventually grow into real love, but having a crush on someone shouldn’t be confused with real love. An infatuation is like a chemical reaction in your brain involving all kinds of hormones, causing you to become emotionally dependent on someone. You’re constantly seeking confirmation that the other person sees you, as well as acknowledgement and validation that the feeling is mutual. You could even say that having a crush on someone is like an addiction; you constantly need your next shot. And when that next shot doesn’t come, you go through withdrawal: you feel nauseous, insecure, moody, you can’t sleep, and you start to worry. And then, as soon as you get your next shot, all symptoms vanish.

Who you fall in love with is hard to predict. It just happens, sometimes even in the blink of an eye. How much you are willing to invest in the feelings that come with it however, is up to you. When you’re single, it will feel different than when you’re in a relationship. No matter your situation, it can happen to anyone. You may find yourself falling in love with someone unexpectedly, even though you’re in a loving relationship.

Love makes you blind

Having a crush on someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to grow old with that person. Think back to those high school crushes, that hot boy next door, or your brother’s friend. There may even have been someone much older than you that you fancied at some point. At the time, in the world you were living in back then, it seemed like a perfect match, capable of beating all the odds. But as soon as the infatuation slowly started to fade, you suddenly started to notice that other person’s peculiar habits, heard all their annoying comments, smelled their unpleasant odour, and saw their terrible sense of clothing style.

Love doesn’t always make you blind, but infatuation certainly does. It conceals every unpleasant character trait and annoying habit, and at the same time it magically highlights every praiseworthy trait. Every decent joke is the best joke you’ve ever heard and every thoughtful gesture ignites an abundance of admiration in your heart. We’re constantly seeking confirmation that this is the one person we have been waiting for all along, but in the process we seem to simply brush off those things that annoy us. That why it’s infatuation that blinds us, not love.

Love actually makes us see the other person for who they are and allows us to lovingly accept every part of them, annoying habits included.

Connection through vulnerability

When we fall for someone, we really focus on that person. We give them all of our attention and we feel the need to connect with them. We want to be with that person and show our most vulnerable side. This makes us feel truly connected to them and the feeling of being in love and ‘this is meant to be’ only grows. And when you’re single, or you’re in an unhappy relationship you want to get out off, this can be an amazing feeling. Especially if you’re in the position where you’re able to act on it. But if you’re in a ‘perfectly fine’ relationship, or even in a very loving and safe relationship, falling for someone else can turn your whole world upside down. It takes up all of your attention and emotions, and it’s very upsetting from a rational point of view. Because what does this mean? Is your relationship not good enough? Do you fancy the other person more than you do your own partner? Where you open to new love without realising it? Is your subconsciousness trying to tell you something?

Infatuation as a phase

Your confusion is very understandable! It can be quite a disruption of your life, especially when you decide to act on your feelings, making them grow even stronger and strengthening the connection with the other person. It’s also possible that your partner can’t bare the idea of you being in love with someone else and starts having doubts about being in a relationship with you. But it doesn’t have to cause confusion if you’re able to see infatuation as something that could happen to anyone in the blink of an eye. Sometimes you’re lucky when it happens to you, and other times, like when you’re in a relationship, it’s a quite unfortunate development. Once you stop investing in it, the feeling will become less intense. It’s like with all emotions; the more you invest in it, the more intense it will feel. And not investing in it may not always be easy, but then you will just have to rely on your strong will.

The fact that it’s not always easy not to invest in it, doesn’t necessarily say anything about the quality of your relationship. For most people, being in love is an amazing feeling, especially when you haven’t felt it for a while with your own partner. So it makes sense that you want to feel more of it, but unfortunately that pretty much always comes at the expense of your relationship.

Unless you create clear rules of course, and are able to see infatuation as something that comes and goes. Something you can get a small taste off, as long as you come back home again.

Also read: The diversity of intimacy

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