How to deal with your partner having an affair

According to scientists, about twenty-five percent of all married people have an affair at some point during their marriage. So it’s not unthinkable that I might happen in your relationship as well. And if your partner cheats on you, how do you deal with that? Would you give your partner another chance or does it depend on the situation?

Emotional or physical affair?

There are two kinds of affairs. Your partner can physically cheat on you by having sex with or kissing someone else, or they can have an emotional affair. This means that your partner has an emotional connection to someone else that he or she is only supposed to have with you. Within both types of affairs, there are different possible scenarios. Your partner might end up kissing a colleague at a work party after they’ve had too much to drink for example. It’s also possible that your partner has been hooking up with someone at a hotel once a month for a while now. Or your lover sends texts to someone every day and discusses personal things with them that doesn’t involve them. The texts can be sexual in nature, they can be about having feelings for each other, or they can be texts discussing things that happen in your relationship and are supposed to be private. 

Dealing with an affair

It can be a shock to find out your partner has been investing their time and energy into someone else. You might feel sad, insecure, betrayed, or angry, or perhaps you have all these emotions at once. It’s okay to give into this. Everyone who has to deal with their partner having an affair responds differently to it. There is no right or wrong when it comes to emotions. However, it is important to stay true to who you are when you decide to take action. This way you won’t regret your decisions afterwards. Whether or not you want to forigve your partner or want to stay with him or her is not solely up to you. Decide for yourself what you want, what is important to you, and whether you are capable of forgiving your partner and trusting them again.

Possible scenarios

There are a couple of common scenarios after your partner has an affair. You won’t just have to ask yourselves if you want to stay together, but you also have to decide how that is going to work. If you decide to stay together, you can choose to forgive your partner right away, but you can also choose to take a break or seek professional help. If you and your partner decide to break up, there are a couple of options as well. 

Temporary break

If you want to stay with your partner, but you need some time to process everything, or if you’re not sure if you want to stay with your partner, you can choose to take a temporary break from the relationship. This means that you don’t contact each other for a while to give both of you the opportunity to think about the future. If you’re taking a break from each other, we recommend that you sit down together first and set some rules for what is and isn’t acceptable to do during this break. Are you allowed to act like you’re single? And what is your opinion on contacting each other during this period? When it comes to setting the rules, go for whatever feels right to you.

Your partner chooses to leave you

It’s possible that your partner chooses to leave you. Perhaps they realised they cheated on you because something is wrong in your relationship or because they fell in love with someone else. From sadness to anger and insecurity; decide for yourself how you want to respond to this. If you feel like the good times you had together are more important than this misstep, then you can part as friends. This doesn’t mean that you approve of what happened. It’s understandable if you don’t want to forgive your partner or don’t want to see him or her again. Try not to get carried away by temporarily overwhelming emotions, no matter how difficult this is. Think about what you want and what is the best decision for you, or your children if you have them, in the long run.

The affair ends

There is a chance that your partner decides to end the affair when you became aware of it. They decide that you’re the one they want to grow old with. Don’t forget that you also have a say in this. It can give you a sense of security that your partner won’t leave you. But that doesn’t mean that you have to stay with your partner; it’s a choice that only you can make.

You forgave or want to forgive your partner and you want to stay together

You want to stay with your partner and your partner wants to stay with you. You can work on your relationship together. Forgiveness and building up trust will play an important part in this. Forgiveness is not for that other person, but for yourself. You don’t approve of what happened, but you try to accept that it happened. That acceptation of the situation makes it possible for you to process and eventually get over your feelings of anger, fear, and sadness. But keep in mind that you have the right to feel whatever you feel.

You’re breaking up

You don’t want to be in a relationship with your partner anymore after you found out your partner had an affair. Although this is your decision, you’re still allowed to feel sad about it. When you’re married or living together, or if you have children together, there are many arrangements to be made. This can be a tumultuous and sad time, full of insecurity. Try to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Do what feels right to you. When you have children, try to do what is best for them and make rational decisions when it involves them.

Also read: How to have an amicable divorce

Dealing with an affair: moving on with your relationship

Trust is considered to be one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Your goal is to create (mutual) trust again. Building up trust is difficult and it’s easy to betray someone’s trust. Learning to trust someone again won’t happen overnight and realise that nobody expects this from you. In the meantime, there are things you can do to help guide the process. Your partner could let you know at what time he or she will be home after going out for example. It’s important that they then actually come home at that time. This can help you trust your partner again. You can do something yourself as well; try not to feel jealous or suspicious whenever your partner gets a text from someone or goes out with friends. It’s up to you to decide if these examples work in your situation. Whether you can ever completely trust your partner again depends on the situation. There are couples who come out of the situation stronger than ever, but it’s also possible that after a couple of weeks or months, you realise that it just doesn’t work anymore. Perhaps your trust has been damaged too much – or your partner has another affair in the meantime – and you can’t see a future for your relationship anymore.

Relationship therapy

Therapy can help you or both of you deal with the affair. You can see a relationship therapist together to talk about the situation. Relationship therapists often have experience with couples where one or both partners had an affair and they can give you practical tools to deal with it in a healthy way. If the affair hurt your self-confidence, therapy can help as well. And finally, you can also ask your partner to see a therapist on their own. Perhaps you both want to find out the reason behind the affair or perhaps your partner has personal problems that eventually lead to the affair. A therapist can help you in these situations.