Feminist during the day, sub at night: is it possible?

Asking your partner to whip you, the feeling of someone’s hands around your throat, obeying someone’s orders, or crawling on all fours because your partner told you to. Can you be a feminist during the day while asking your partner to humiliate you in the bedroom at night?

Many women who actively fight for women’s rights are conflicted about the fact that they get aroused by taking on a submissive role in the bedroom. How can they stand up for their own rights and the rights of other women when they also ask their partner to humiliate them for sexual pleasure?

Feminist and sub: is it possible?

A feminist is someone who supports women’s rights and fights for equality between men and women. This can manifest itself in the form of protests, but that doesn’t have to be the case. It’s about the feminist (who can also be a man) believing everyone deserves to be treated equally. And that’s exactly why many feminists wonder if it’s possible to be a feminist during the day and a submissive at night.

A sub (or submissive) is someone within the world of BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission and Sadism & Masochism) who enjoys playing submissive roles. This means that they enjoy getting whipped by their dominant partner for example and will do whatever their partner asks of them. In the film 50 Shades of Grey, Anastasia is the submissive partner. But how can you take on a submissive role and still fight for equal rights?

Rough sex and feminism can co-exist

“I know many feminists struggle with their preference for rough sex,” says sex blogger Sugarcunt. “This is because they know that rough sex with a partner who has bad intentions can lead to abusive situations. This makes them feel that they’re sending the wrong signal. I don’t agree with that: I’m a feminist and I enjoy rough sex.”

Rough sex empowers the feminist

Alex Gillon of Consensual Roughness: “If we’re talking about rough sex, we’re actually talking about the power dynamics in the bedroom and whether feminism exists within these unequal dynamics. It looks like the dominant partner has more power. However, that’s not true. There are two very important elements: consent from one partner and consent from the other partner.”

Talking about what the submissive partner wants or doesn’t want to experience beforehand prevents the feeling of being used. “As a feminist, you hate when a stranger catcalls you, while that same word can suddenly be very arousing when your partner whispers it in your ear while he or she is whipping you,” says Gillon. “As long as you respect the boundaries set beforehand, the woman in question perhaps even has more power than the dominant partner.”

Feminist wants rough sex, because she can

As a feminist, you’re powerful enough to realise you can decide for yourself what you like. You don’t have the follow the rules that society – or you yourself – has set for you. Feminists want to decide what they do or don’t do with their bodies. That goes from wearing or not wearing make-up to shaving or not shaving body hair. And it includes the decision of wanting someone to whip you, wanting to feel a hand around your throat, and wanting your partner to spit in your face.

Feminist sex is what you make it

“What isn’t feminist,” says sex teacher Shanna Katz, “is people telling us what our desires should look like or that what we do is wrong, just because it’s not the kind of sex they’re familiar with.” She adds a real feminist look at sex: “the space for and the right of every partner to share their feelings and that these are subsequently recognised.”

Aftercare after rough sex

A well-known term within BDSM is aftercare. This aftercare is about the dominant partner cleaning up the mess (if there is one), but it can also mean that the dominant partner hugs the submissive, that both partners take a shower together, or that the dom cooks dinner for the sub. In general, people often say: the more intense the punishment, the softer the aftercare.

Finally: can you be a feminist and a sub?

Yes, you can. If you enjoy giving your partner a dominant role in the bedroom, that doesn’t mean you also want to be dominated by others in your daily life. And it doesn’t matter how red your butt cheeks still are from the night before.

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