Column: hurting someone by trying not to hurt them

Mandy knew that her relationship didn’t feel right to her for months. She noticed she wasn’t that attracted to Tom anymore and she didn’t laugh about his jokes as much as she used to. But Tom had been so good to her, so loving, that she didn’t want to hurt him. And therefore she didn’t want to leave him. She stays with him, but she feels a distance between them. The intimacy and sexuality slowly decreases. The same goes for her focus on Tom.

Tom doesn’t know what’s going on with Mandy. It seems like something is bothering her, but everytime he asks her about it, she says nothing is wrong. He feels the distance between them, but is unable to reach her, which makes him feel insecure. Lately he is asking himself if he can even give her what she needs. He’s becoming more and more afraid of touching her and notices that his sexual needs decrease when she doesn’t respond to his initiative. She still says there’s nothing going on.

And while Mandy is doing her best not to hurt Tom, that is exactly what is happening here. He feels something is wrong and it makes him feel insecure. He feels rejected when it comes to intimate and sexual contact. Mandy’s attempts not to hurt Tom are actually what hurt him. He feels insecure and rejected, despite Mandy’s good intentions.

What happens between Mandy and Tom happens to many people: we want to protect our partners from heartbreak and rejection, but in our attempts to do this we end up hurting them anyway.

Sometimes you hurt your partner less if you open up to them. By telling them that you have doubts about the relationship or your feelings towards them. Then at least your partner knows what’s going on and why you suddenly behave differently. In the short term, this may seem like the more scary option, but in the long term it feels so much better, and also more loving. If you don’t want to hurt your partner out of love for them, make sure they know what is going on and what they can expect. That is how you show real love, even though it’s really hard sometimes.

Also read: Consensual non-monogamy: can it work?