Column: confidence

As a therapist, it’s very easy to talk about others. About their sexuality, their relationships. Within the therapeutic relationship it’s permitted not to talk about yourself as a therapist. That makes it a safe environment for the client on one end, because you remain objective as a therapist. On the other end, it might seem unbalanced as you do know everything about the other person. Me as a person just doesn’t really matter during a session. I rarely share my opinions, unless I think they contribute to the sessions.

But in this column, I’ll share something about myself. Only because I think sharing your own vulnerability has a beauty to it. Something you shouldn’t be ashamed off. And most of all: so that people can read about the humanity of not feeling all that confident all of the time.

Last week I suddenly realized why I like to work out as much as I do. Every time I exercise, I get the acknowledgement that my body is strong, that it is fit. While on a day to day basis, I often doubt precisely that. Is it fit enough? Is it strong enough? Is it slim enough? Do my muscles show enough? Is my body tight enough?

Towards other people, I carry an endless amount of compassion. I think their bodies are gorgeous, no matter in what shape they are formed. However, I can be endlessly critical towards myself.

Isn’t it fascinating how that works? Knowing that I’m not the only one who has her own internal critic? What is the secret ingredient to fight her? How do we soften her? How can we be more kind to ourselves?

The term self-love comes to mind, even though I tend to think of it as a somewhat overused term nowadays. It describes something beautiful: accept yourself in all of your glory. Have compassion and empathy. Be able to forgive yourself and love yourself. Just because of who you are.

Self-love describes something beautiful: accept yourself in all of your glory. Have compassion and empathy. Be able to forgive yourself and love yourself. Just because of who you are.

The same goes for body positivity: all bodies are beautiful. But as I write this, I can hear my internal critic saying: “as long as it is a healthy body.” And maybe there is some value judgement in there, but to me it is an important value. And a healthy body isn’t defined by a low fat percentage, but by having a healthy body.

Is it an unrealistic idea to never doubt your own body? Is it an illusion to always be proud of your body, of who you are? I sure hope it isn’t, but maybe we should accept that it is okay to be insecure every once in a while. You’re allowed to feel bummed about your thighs, your silly feet, or your flat buttocks, as long as you realize that these things don’t define you as a person.

And maybe there is a form of compassion hidden in here as well: you don’t always have to be happy with who you are as a person, or with the way your body looks. You’re allowed to be fed up with it once in a while without evaluating yourself from an angle of body positivity, in which you always have to be pleased with yourself.

You’re allowed to feel bummed about your thighs, your silly feet, or your flat buttocks, as long as you realize that these things don’t define you as a person.

However, try to find a healthy balance in which you find your strength more often than you belittle yourself. Because you are just perfectly fine in all of your glory. Just as I am, even though it doesn’t always feel this way.

Maybe we shouldn’t be too harsh on ourselves when it comes to the expectation of getting to the point where we always love ourselves.

Be kind to yourself and let that be the reason you get back into your strength, so you can shine with confidence. 

Love,

Nynke