How do you say no while you’re already at it?

Saying no or stopping while you’re already doing things with each other can be tricky, but do it anyway if you feel the need to so you don’t feel used or bad afterwards. How do you say no to a partner? Read more in this article.

Ask for permission

Most women have probably experienced a sexual partner who wants to cross your boundaries. For example, by simply moving his penis from your vagina to your anus without asking first. That can be a shocking experience. Consent (or permission) is very important. You’re fully within your rights to say no if you don’t want to do something or change your mind whether you’re experimenting or doing a sexual act that you’ve done many times before. It could be that you’re just not in the mood for it, it doesn’t feel right this time, or you’re just not ready yet. A good partner will accept this. But what do you do if they try to convince you to give in anyway? Say it loud and clear: no.

How do you say no when you’re already at it?

If something doesn’t feel right to you, then you should stop doing it. That’s easier said than done. Maybe you think if I just let them continue, it’ll be over and done with. Some women easily tend to feel guilty and don’t want to be a downer. But do you want to feel dirty afterwards just because you didn’t want to bum the other person out? Of course not. And that’s why you have to say no.

You’re in control

Realise that you are the one in control of your body: before, during and after a hook up. Only you can decide what’s good for you. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, it’s important to speak up. Even if you said yes the last time or were saying yes earlier in the make-out session. Or even if you’re married to that person. And even if you’ve done it before, but don’t feel good about it anymore and have finally found the courage to tell them so.

Also read: Debunking myths about sexual violence

Communicate clearly

Clarity is good, but that doesn’t mean you necessarily have to shout “NO!”. Maybe you’re just not ready for what the other person wants. You can say that you really like them, but that you’re not ready for this at this moment. This way, you can still keep the door open for the future, but you’re also clearly indicating where your limits are.

How do you say no when there’s one thing you don’t want to do

Of course, it’s possible that you want to sleep with that person, but there are certain things that you’d rather not do. Maybe oral, maybe anal, or something else that’s just not up your alley. A simple sentence like “I don’t like doing that” or “I don’t want to do this” should be enough to make clear to your partner that they have to stop. It is important, of course, to be considerate of another person’s feelings. So rather than just shouting “Ew, no!”, say that you don’t like that activity, but  what they were doing before felt good.

What if you change your mind?

What if you’ve told someone in the past that you weren’t ready for something, but left open the possibility of changing your mind? If the time has come and you’re still having doubts, should you do it simply because that’s what you promised? No, of course not. As women, we’re often told that our own feelings are less important than those of others, but of course this is sheer nonsense. Your partner may be disappointed. But you don’t have to have sex with someone if you don’t want to just because they might be disappointed otherwise.

The reaction

Your sex partner’s reaction gives you important information about them. A normal reaction is that the other person will care more about your comfort and feelings than their own sexual pleasure. If the other person is nagging you and trying to convince you to continue, create a physical distance, leave or send them away. Realise that if they’re already being so disrespectful, they’re probably not someone you’ll want to see again. Unfortunately, you could end up in a situation where “no” doesn’t work. Every year, 100,000 people in the Netherlands are victims of sexual violence. No fewer than 90% of these are women. It’s important to realise that this is never your fault. Seek professional support in dealing with your reactions.

How to say no: my experience

I can remember two experiences where I said “no” to a man. The first was after a drunken night out. I was studying journalism and took home a man I knew from the club scene. Once in bed, I didn’t feel like having sex anymore, or at least not with him. I felt bad for him, but I told him I didn’t want to anymore and that he should leave. He wasn’t happy, but he also respected my choice and left. This should be normal, but it surprised me nevertheless. On the one hand that’s quite sad, but I’m glad that he behaved decently. The second time was with my partner, not long after my mother had died. Grief and sex weren’t a good fit for me. Still, it wasn’t natural to say “no” or I still wouldn’t remember it 11 years later.

Do you have any tips for saying no to others?