Senior Sex: Inconvenient or Normal?

No sex just because you’re older? No way! Unfortunately, most of us associate sex with youthful energy. But that’s not the case with older couples who still like to have a roll in the hay. People rarely talk about older people having sex and then only if it isn’t considered a taboo subject. But senior sex is normal. Or at least should be.

Older people having sex? Does that idea make you feel uncomfortable?

When we think about sex, we usually don’t want to imagine our parents or grandparents doing it. We’d rather not have that image burned into our retinas. But even if we broaden our perspective a little, it’s still often difficult to imagine two wrinkled bodies making love.

Even if it’s nothing unusual or extraordinary. This surely means that most of us still associate sex with beauty and attraction, both phenomena we don’t associate with old age. When advertisers use sex to sell products, they don’t do use older men and women, unless it’s George Clooney. They usually use young, taut bodies and brooding looks between people who have been on the planet for no more than three decades. Let’s admit it: we’re uncomfortable with the idea that people still need sex in their autumn years.

But let’s not forget that today’s seniors were yesterday’s wild hippies. These are the same people who celebrated free love and readily hopped into bed with each other, who sometimes even fuelled and shaped the sexual revolution. And, perhaps they’ve had even more exciting positions in their repertoire than you do now. Would these people really have lost all interest in intimacy and sex as the years passed? To the point where they while away their days playing cards until they’re taken off to the care home?

Older people find their sex lives are getting better and better

When we’re young, we tend to think that older people no longer feel like having sex, but when we’re older we know better. Because while the frequency of sex often drops as you age, that doesn’t mean you stop having sex later in life. For example, in a 2008 Swedish study, older people indicated that their sex lives had only gotten better over the years! They had more experience, there was more intimacy and they were more sex-positive than they had been in their younger years. They were also more aware that sex can be a source of pleasure and relaxation.

The same positive results were confirmed in a 2018 American study. It found that 84% of men and 69% of women find sex an important part of their relationships, even as they get older. About 50% of the men and 30% of the women were still sexually active or masturbating. According to the researchers, the significant difference between men and women could be explained by the fact that women tend to live longer and more often have an older partner who is more likely to die or fall ill.

Although for many elderly people sex is an essential condition for a good relationship, various problems do arise as you get older. From erection problems and vaginal dryness to incontinence and prolapse: sex doesn’t necessarily get easier with age. Many older people are ashamed of these physical discomforts and avoid the subject. More knowledge and openness about ‘senior sex’ can remove these barriers, so that people can enjoy this part of their lives even at an older age. Because the need for intimacy and physical contact remains, no matter how old we get.

Sex in the care home

So why are we so scared of grandparents having sex? According to biologist Thomas Walz, it is mainly due to our perception of old age. We mainly associate ageing with decay, both psychological and physical. On the other hand, we link youth to beauty and attraction and think beauty is the basis of our sexual desire. And, as ridiculous as it sounds, we apparently don’t find old people very beautiful.

So youth is sexy, old age is asexual. We find it difficult to make the connection between wrinkled or saggy bodies and feelings of lust. In fact, from our youthful arrogance, we find it distasteful and inappropriate. Roughly speaking, we simply can’t imagine two older people getting it on with the bodies they have. In addition, we subconsciously find sex between the elderly unnecessary. Procreating is no longer necessary so why would you have sex if you’ve got a drying vagina or a faltering penis?

Sex workers for the elderly

Because we prefer not to discuss the question of whether sex between the elderly is normal or even healthy, silence ensures that misconceptions continue to flourish. Like the idea that, by default, seniors lose interest in sex and want to spend their last years sexless. This idea only becomes really problematic when it is disproved in places such as care homes. As a society, we should be aware that a sexual need doesn’t disappear like snow in the sunshine the moment an elderly person packs their bags to move into a care home.

Unfortunately, we still find ourselves surprised. For example, a poll by the Dutch V&VN Magazine about the taboo subject of sex in care homes showed that about three quarters of care providers are confronted with the sexual needs of the elderly. Nevertheless, this issue is all too infrequently discussed among care home staff and with the residents themselves. This was why the Dutch Rutgers Foundation pled for the inclusion of sex education in the training of care workers in its 2015 manifesto. The goal is for care providers to be brave enough to discuss intimacy. It also raised the need for specially trained sex workers for the elderly.

Sex is healthy, even for seniors

The good thing is: sex later in life is really good for one’s health. In any case, sex has many advantages, no matter how old or young you are. It reduces stress, improves emotional balance and gives you a shot of endorphins. Physically, it is a natural pain reliever, can lower cholesterol levels that are too high and can even extend your life expectancy. Nice to know if you have hit the blessed age of 80.

So, sex contributes to a better quality of life and in that sense you cannot put a maximum age limit on it. Geriatric expert Walter M. Borz, researcher at Stanford Medical School, even says that sex is a matter of survival. Married people live longer. People who have sex live longer. People need people and, the more intimate that connection is, the better. All of which goes to say that sex is not only a boost for your quality of life, it can also extend your time on this earth.

Throwing out the taboos

Those old taboos? Ignore them. After all, in the near future, the baby boomers will be reaching the final stages of their lives. That these seniors can still enjoy sex should be reassuring for them and for generations to come. This news needs to be shared with those generations who still think that they’re immortal gods between the sheets and that everything will just go downhill once they hit 60. Good to know that even with a wrinkled body, a calmer libido and less than cooperative genitals, you can still enjoy each other’s bodies.

The most important thing? That seniors accept that they have entered a new phase of life. There is no need to mourn the loss of young bodies and youthful passion, so many beautiful things take their place. After all, sex isn’t just about intense orgasms and complicated positions, it’s also about emotion and intimacy. As we all know: the older you are, usually the more developed your capacity for natural intimacy. This means that many elderly people enjoy the advantage of being more self-aware and knowing exactly what their bodies want and can do. Still something to look forward to in the years to come!

Also read: Different Types of Intimacy