Why do people sometimes get emotional after sex?
You expect to feel good and satisfied after having sex, right? To cuddle with your partner or to energetically leap out of bed to do something fun with your partner. What you don’t expect is tears. Still, many people get emotional after sex. They feel sad or annoyed and sometimes even burst into tears. Why is that?
Emotional after sex
Crying after sex is more common than you might think. Almost half of all women has cried at one point in her life after an overwhelming orgasm, and about 5 percent even cries regularly after sex.
Although you may secretly think that his is a typical female phenomenon, that isn’t acutally true. Men can also get emotional after sex. Research evem showed that 41 percent of men has cried at least once after sex and 3 percent even cries regularly.
Changes in hormones
However, women are still more likely to burst into tears than men. Not just because women can be more sensitive to the emotional effect of having sex, but also because women experience more intense changes in hormones. After having an orgasm, the level of dopamine and oxytocin in your body dramatically drops. And those two hormones are responsible for that tingling, euphoric feeling that is released during sex. It makes sense that such a sudden drop in ‘happy hormones’ leads to tears, right?
Emotional drain
Crying after sex isn’t always negative by the way. Sometimes those tears don’t have anything to do with disappointed or negative emotions towards your relationship. On the contrary, sometimes you cry because you’re just so incredibly happy. You’re so overwhelmed with love that it comes out through your tear ducts while you throw yourself into your lover’s arms like an emotional pudding.
There’s nothing weird about that, really. When you reach your climax, your body releases an incredible amount of build-up tension and energy. You don’t just feel more connected to your partner in that moment, but also to yourself, your emotions, and your sexuality. A release like that is a positive attack on your body and your emotions.
Happy tears? Yes! You feel more cheerful, energic, and confident than ever, but still those tears start to run down your cheeks. Especially when you haven’t had sex in a while, or when you and your partner recently worked out your relationship problems, a sexual release like that can express itself in the form of uncontrollable sobbing.
Feeling down after sex
There can also be other reasons for getting emotional after having sex. Relationship problems can come to the surface during a vulnerable post-coitus moment. Sex comes with a promise of intimacy, love, and lust and it can be very disappointing if the sex doesn’t actually deliver that.
What can cause this? Perhaps you’re going through a difficult period, you have difficulty getting aroused, or you have trouble relaxing because you don’t feel loved. Or maybe you’re secretly tired of the same old routine of your sex life and you find out that talking about it doesn’t help.
Ian Kerner, an American sex therapist, mentions the ‘makeup sex’ phenomenon, where you find yourself in a pattern of fighting with your partner and then having sex to fix it. The sex can be fantastic, but afterwards you’re likely to still be angry with each other and realise that you haven’t made a true connection. That’s a frustrating insight, which can lead to tears and gloomy thoughts.
Perfect sex doesn’t exist
There are also couples who succumb to the pressure of magazines, films, and friends’ stories about ‘perfect sex’. They have clear ideas about what perfect sex looks like and they are disappointed if their sex life doesn’t match that. Instead of accepting that sex can’t always be spectacular, they start doubting themselves and their relationship.
The only thing that works in this case is communication. Dare to open yourself up, talk about your insecurities and doubts, and try to find a way together to enjoy sex again, without the unrealistic expectation that tear down your sex life.
Post-coital dysphoria
For some people, it isn’t that clear at all why they cry after having sex. They aren’t disappointed, they don’t have relationship problems, and the sex is fine. If that is the case for you, it’s possible that you have post-coital dysphoria (PCD).
This disorder is relatively unknown, but according to research, about 5 percent of women and 3 percent of men suffer from it from time to time. Various studies showed that nearly half of all women experience PCD at least once in their life, 5 to 10 percent experienced it in the last month, and about two percent suffers from it on a regular basis.
Causes of PCD
The interesting thing about PCD is that it isn’t always caused by a negative experience. The men and women who regularly have those empty, sad, or agressive feelings after reaching an orgasm don’t normally have a bad or unsatisfying sex life. In fact, the sex can be super exciting and satisfying, but these people still feel annoyed, anxious, or weepy afterwards. Those negative emotions can last for just a couple of minutes, but there are also people who have to deal with it for several hours.
There are several theories regarding the causes of this. Some say that people who already have mental problems, like depression or anxiety, are more susceptible to it. Australian research among 1,200 men shows that the participants who suffered from depression or anxiety in the past were more likely to experience PCD. Hereditary or characterological factors can also play a role in it. People who are quite emotional in general are also more likely to be overwhelmed by intense emotions after sex.
Trauma triggers
One of the triggers for PCD is abuse or traumas. Various studies showed that emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in someone’s childhood or youth can lead to sexual problems many years later. Although these studies didn’t specifically focus on PCD, the Australian study did show that men with unresolved traumas were more suceptible to it.
That’s not really surprising. During sex or after having an orgasm, you’re in a very vulnerable state. At that moment, your emotions run free and can enter every nook and cranny of your subconscious. Having sex can be an intense trigger that digs up memories of unresolved traumas from your past.
Are you wrestling with painful emotions after having sex? If you can’t figure it out together with your partner, it’s a good idea to talk to a sex therapist who can help you channel these feelings.
Tips!
Of course you can try to work on it yourself first. If your emotions after sex have a negative effect on your sex life, you can experiment with these tips:
• Talk, talk, talk!
In many cases, experiencing intense emotions after having sex doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship or with the feelings you have for your partner. But they probably do affect your relationship. And not talking about it doesn’t help. That only leads to misunderstandings and insecurities. If you talk about with your partner, you can prevent bigger problems and make sure it doesn’t drive you apart.
• Don’t be afraid of negative emotions
Don’t panic if the tears start to flow, but try to go with it. Crack a joke or simply let the tears flow for a moment. The more you fight your emotions, the more they start to turn against you.
• Find help
Do you suspect that your emotional outbursts come from unresolved experiences? Of it is such a big problem that it puts your relationship and sex life at risk? Then it’s time to find help. Consider talking to a sex therapist. They can help you bring potential traumas to the surface and process them, or support you in another way so you can learn how to deal with post-sex blues.
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