Column: a dominant bedpartner

Do you remember the hype surrounding 50 Shades of Grey? Naomi does. While she was reading the book everything fell into place, but at the same time it startled her. Up until then she didn’t have a memorable sex life. The sex was okay, but she couldn’t really give in to it. And to be honest, she never really understood why everyone made such a big deal of it, until she read the book. She was captivated by the idea of a man who would tell her what was going to happen in bed, instead of asking her.

And although she always advocated for bedpartners who were very respectful and aware of boundaries, she noticed that she needed more than that. These bedpartners allowed her to stay in her own mind. They let her think about her own needs, the things she would like, but also the things that she wouldn’t like. And with these thoughts she would often end up with the issue ‘what am I doing here, in bed, with this man?’ And then she would pull out, often by leaving them in the middle of the night.

When she read about a man who wouldn’t give her time to think, but who would take the initiative himself and would be dominant, she surrendered to her own body and arousal. She couldn’t do anything else but feel. There was no more room for her own doubts and thoughts. She needed to be dominated by a man. She needed him, within her own boundaries, to tell her what was about to happen without asking her.

And that’s what she did; after she read that book, she only shared her bed with men who promised her to take the initiative, who promised her to love her body so intensely that her mind wouldn’t have a chance to think about anything else. And from that moment on she realized what sex could be like: intense, without any distracting thoughts, with a lot of arousal and no restrictions. She now knew what she needed to look forward to sex. And with this, she discovered a new part of her sexuality.

Also read: Why we need physical touch