Better sex? Don’t be afraid to say what you want

In an ideal world we would be having sex like in the movies. You know: arousing, shameless, and passionate. And with a perfectly synchronized climax of course. It’s never boring, nobody ever feels uncomfortable, and nobody is ever disappointed afterwards. Unfortunately life is not a rom-com and we have to make do with our insecure and timid selves. We often find it difficult to talk about sex, even though talking is the key to better sex. So if you want to improve your sex life, you will have to learn how to say what you want.

Sex routine

Couples who have a good sex life discovered this secret long ago. They know how important it is to communicate with each other about each other’s sexual needs. Of course it feels strange and awkward at first to express your desires, but keep in mind that sex in real life is rarely what you see in the movies. There is really no need for embarrassment.

Many of us are trapped in a sex routine. The sex isn’t great, but we’re stuck with it because we’re afraid to express our feelings. After a while, we don’t even know how to get out of the routine anymore, because we’ve been trapped in it for so long.

We get lost in a vicious circle of being fed up with the routine and ourselves, our partner making us feel insecure due to our lack of lust, and relentlessly heading for a meltdown in our relationship.

Telepathic genious? Nope

What doesn’t work in our favour is that we all believe in the same misconception; we expect sex to be sensational without having to discuss it first. As if our bed partner is a telepathic genious who knows exactly which buttons to press to katapult you to heavenly valhalla.

But just like the fact that your partner can’t possibly know what’s going through your mind, they can’t know what you’re feeling either. Everyone has a different body, everyone has different sensitive spots, and everyone enjoys different things. You can’t expect your lover to magically know what your favourite spots are.

Faking orgasms

Sadly many women have difficulty expressing what they enjoy in bed. They feel ashamed or uncomfortable and they’re afraid their partner will reject them, even though women who do tell their partner what they want are able to more easily reach a climax.

The female orgasm is a complicated thing. 75 to 95 percent of men experiences an orgasm during sex, while only 25 percent of women reaches a satisfying climax in the same setting.

The reasons? Women need more time for foreplay and are more ashamed of their body and vagina, while their bed partners often think the only way to have an overwhelming orgasm is through penetration.

Men beware

Unfortunately for these men, a recent study shows that only 18 percent of women is able to reach a climax through vaginal sex alone. And unfortunately for women, 70 percent of women sometimes resorts to faking an orgasm.

These aren’t very positive percentages. Do you know what you’re actually doing when you put on a fake orgasm act? You’re telling your partner that they are the best lover ever, while you are staring at the ceiling and feel relieved when it’s over. You’ll never get what you want that way.

Hello clitoris!

But there is light at the end of the tunnel! Most men actually aren’t the insensitive creatures who only care about their own pleasure we sometimes think they are. On the contrary, for most men sex is much more fun if you enjoy it as well. But for that to work, you do need to let your partner know what you like.

Remember that 18 percent of women is able to reach an orgasm through vaginal sex. Those women undoubtedly know exactly how to move their lower body against their partner’s body to stimulate their clitoris. Most women still need a lot of clitoris stimulation to reach a climax. And that is exactly what you need to tell your partner.

Talking about sex outside the bedroom

But when do you bring it up? How do you tell your partner that you’re disappointed with your sexual routine? That you need more clitoris stimulation? Or that you don’t really enjoy or even feel uncomfortable with some things?

Of course you can bring it up during sex, but there is a risk that your partner won’t be able to perform at all anymore because he thinks he’s doing it wrong. That’s not great for his confidence. Besides, it’s quite pointless to try to have a serious conversation about your sex life while the sex hormones are still raging through your body and mind.

What does work? Having the conversation at a neutral moment at a neutral place. So definitely not between the sheets. That doesn’t mean that you can’t say anything about what you like and don’t like while you’re having sex of course, but we’ll talk more about that later: first things first!

Growing together sexually

Always keep in mind that your partner is only human. He can’t read minds and he probably wants the best for your sex life. After all, it’s a boost for his own sex life as well.

Most partners are willing to listen if you share your deepest needs and desires. They’re probably even happy you brought it up, because they’ve already noticed that you’re not exactly shaking with pleasure during sex. If you break the silence, it can even give your partner the opportunity to express his own needs. Talking about sex openly and honestly is a beautiful chance to grow together sexually.

How do you have the conversation?

To help you along, we are going to share some clever tips for a healthy conversation about sex!

• Don’t have the conversation in bed. This creates negative associations and insecurities in the bedroom. Go on a walk instead or sit down at the kitchen table together. The bathtub can be a good spot as well. In that small space with warm water surrounding you, you somehow feel more vulnerable and tend to share intimate feelings more easily.
• Pay attention to your way of communicating. It’s not very constructive to fire accusations at your partner: he will probably feel hurt and try to defend himself. So don’t say: ‘You don’t know how to make me orgasm’, but say: ‘I would really love it if you could use your tongue more’.
• Show your partner what to do. Many men get their inspiration from porn videos, but unfortunately most of those are very male-oriented. Watch female-friendly porn together, take him to the library for an anatomy lesson or oral sex lesson, or let your partner watch while you pleasure yourself. The latter might be a bit scary, but keep in mind that nobody knows your body and your sensitive spots as well as you.

Are you really in the mood for full-on sex education? Use a toy that perfectly stimulates your erogenous zones.

Talking about sex in the bedroom

We already mentioned it in the masturbation class above. If you feel comfortable, you can also talk about your wishes while you’re in bed together.

Make sure that you do this in a positive way. Telling your partner that you’re disappointed with his sexual skills while he’s trying to satisfy you is the fastest way of destroying his confidence and self-image. That’s not what you want.

Let your imagination run a little wild. As long as you stay relaxed and comfortable, together you can look for a better way of having sex. A couple of tips:

• Let your fingers do the work. Take your partner’s hand and let it glide over your body. This way he can feel what you like and what you need to get aroused.
• Softly whisper instructions. Tell him to go faster, slower, softer, or harder, and moan when he’s doing it right. Don’t underestimate the effect of positive feedback: perhaps you feel a little embarrassed, but men generally just think it’s sexy if you know what you like and aren’t afraid to say it.
• Laugh about yourself and each other. Sex can be unintentionally funny, like when someone accidentally farts or when your teeth clash in the heat of the moment. If something embarrassing happens, don’t take it as a sign that your sex life is a total failure, but just laugh about it. After all, there is nothing more sexy than a couple that is able to laugh at themselves. Even in the bedroom.

Final thought!

Sex should be enjoyable. If we’re not enjoying it, we will start to avoid it and that will eventually cause cracks in your relationship. The problem is that sex is often linked to shame and that shame grows if sex doesn’t go the way we want. We haven’t been taught to talk about it in a mature and natural manner, which keeps the idea alive in our minds that ‘real’ sex means that you effortlessly go from one climax to the next and have an orgasm at the same time.

Overwhelming sex or a mediocre quickie? It’s all good!

In reality sex is weird, uncomfortable, and messy. And you definitely won’t have an overwhelming orgasm that leaves you totally out of breath every time you have sex. So don’t panic if sex is boring at times. That’s just part of life. But do speak up when you notice that your lust has disappeared or that negative sexual routines threaten to ruin your sex life.

Talk about it together, so you can enjoy an overwhelming sexual experience again soon. Or a mediocre quickie of course, there’s nothing wrong with that either from time to time!