A dominant bedpartner

The desire to have a dominant bedpartner is a desire shared by many. It’s about wanting someone who is confident and relaxed. A bedpartner who knows what to do and senses what you need. A bedpartner who takes charge, so you don’t have to. A bedpartner who surprises you, so you don’t know what’s going to happen next.

Give in to the moment

Having a dominant bedpartner can be a perfect way to prevent getting lost in your own head too much. If someone surprises and guides you between the sheets, you have the opportunity to really give in to the moment and experience every sensation. And this will allow you to experience more arousal than when you get stuck in your thoughts. From a therapeutic perspective, it makes sense that the desire to have a dominant bedpartner exists: it helps you not to get seduced by the common pitfalls.

Common pitfalls are:
– anticipating what sex will look like
– thinking about what you like
– struggling to find balance between giving and receiving
– getting distracted by limiting or distracting thoughts

Sincere and authentic

Besides a dominant bedpartner keeping you away from pitfalls, a dominant bedpartner is usually also more attractive. And we’re not even taking physical traits into account here. Character traits like confidence, decisiveness, strength, being comfortable with their own sexuality, and accepting their own body make a bedpartner more attractive. So when a bedpartner is more dominant, they are immediately more attractive as well.

There is a condition however; it should be sincere and authentic. If your partner asks you to be more dominant and you try it because you have to, make sure that it doesn’t turn into an act. If roleplay is fun and exciting to you, it could work, but if it isn’t, it has to be sincere for it to work. As soon as it comes across as an act, it loses its power and the traits that should have made you more attractive actually have the opposite effect.

Unpredictable

Do you want your partner to be a little more dominant in bed? Make sure that your lovemaking isn’t always predictable. Give each other some space to initiate new things or change the order of events. Help your partner become more dominant, especially if being dominant doesn’t come natural to them. Indicate what you need in that moment, so your partner knows in which direction to go next time. Take some time together to talk about what ‘being dominant’ means. It wouldn’t surprise me if many partners are a bit scared and think that they are in for a kinky experience. Being more dominant can start with something as small as taking the initiative more often, not asking what your partner wants as much, and doing what you want for your partner at that moment.

A natural desire

Wanting a dominant bedpartner so you can enjoy sex more is a very natural desire. But being the dominant partner yourself can be very arousing as well, because then you’re more in control and you’re more active during sex. Try to play around with different roles and find out what it does to your own sexual experience. Who knows, maybe you discover a side of yourself that likes to be dominant!

Also read: my column about having a dominant bedpartner