Opposites attract: are you like-minded or opposites?

People often say ‘opposites attract’. This means that you’re more likely to be attracted to someone who is not at all like you. But is it true? Think about the last people you felt attracted to, were they like-minded or very different from you? The idea of ‘opposites attract’ in a nutshell: it’s complicated. How can you make a relationship work with someone who isn’t like you? Are like-minded people happier in a relationship? What are the pitfalls in both situations? We did some research to find that out.

What makes you feel attracted to someone?

Research from 2014 shows that people tend to form relationships with like-minded people rather than people with opposite personalities. Partners often have much in common when it comes to age, religion, intelligence, and political views. For example, highly-educated people tend to have a highly-educated partner.

Reasons to be attracted to someone

Nevertheless, it is true that many people are attracted to people who have opposite personalities. “Dating someone who is like you can be rather boring. There are no surprises, as we know ourselves very well. A replica of yourself is not that exciting,” says relationship expert and author Susan Winter. “Excitement and discovering new things are an important aspect of dating.” Let’s say you’re a shy person and the person you’re attracted to is an extrovert, then it’s not surprising that you’re atrracted to their personality. Many people look for character traits in other people that they would like to have themselves or want to develop more.

Relationship between opposites

“Many important aspects in a relationship, like your personality, needs, and preferences, fit better with someone who has an opposite personality or complements your personality, in contrast to someone who is the same as you,” says clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona. “This way you can prevent fighting over every small thing, like where to go for dinner, if you’re both strong-willed. And if neither of you is very decisive, that is a problem as well.”

Pitfalls when you’re opposites

This is my experience: I enjoy working, I’m independent, and I like to travel solo. Someone I used to hook up with liked the idea of me as his future wife, someone who would stay home with our future children. Our political views were diametrically opposed. Was I attracted to him? Yes, at least attracted enough that we kept seeing each other every now and then for seven years. Was I attracted to his ideas? Not in the least. We could never be in a relationship because of our opposing views.

If you’re very different, it can cause friction. Imagine: you’re a real couch potato and your partner loves to spend their weekends at the pub. That’s cute in the beginning of the relationship, but it’s possible that the situation starts to get annoying for both of you.  You’re annoyed because your lover is always gone. And your partner is annoyed that you never want to go out with them.

Tips to make the relationship work

The most important tip is to respect each other. For example, if you both have different religious views, or one partner is religious while the other isn’t, it’s important to respect your partner’s beliefs. Good communication is essential, as is making compromises.

Clinical psychologist John Mayer offers another tip: “It’s better to see each other as partners who complement each other rather than opposites. Use your differences for personal growth by talking about those things you don’t agree on. Perhaps your partner can help you be more outgoing, simply by being around them.”

Relationship between like-minded people

Here comes a surprise: most people eventually end up in a relationship with someone who look like them, according to Ramani Durvasula, PhD and clinical psychologist. “No two people are the same. That’s why we choose people who look like us. But there are always differences. If those differences become prevalent, you can feel like you’re opposites.”

The truth is that most people are not attracted to others who are very different from them, even though it might look that way. If that would be the case, then you and your partner wouldn’t have any common ground at all. Durvasula: “We lean towards people with the same interests and often the same background. In reality, ‘opposites attract’ does not exist.”

Fitfalls when you’re like-minded

Even similar personalities can cause friction. If you’re both alpha-types, there is a good chance that your strong will regularly causes arguments, even about simple things, like what to do next weekend.

If you and your partner are very like-minded, you are less likely to step out of your comfort zone. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a little boring. For example, if you’re an introvert and your partner is as well, you probably both prefer to stay home, while an extrovert would take you to the pub or a party where you can meet new people and have a good time as well. This can put you in a rut after a couple of months. Since you’re both so similar, there is not much of a chance that you’ll be able to get each other out of it. Coming to a standstill is a problem, especially if you do want to try new things, but your relationship essentially keeps you back.

Tips to make the relationship work

Like when you’re in a relationship with someone who is very different from you, respect and communication is the most important. This is essential in every relationship. You’ll never agree on everything with your partner. If you can both give in to each other a little bit, your relationship will likely be a success.