Column: sexual shame

It was sad to see the burden she carried on her shoulders. She wasn’t able to relax. Not when she had sex and not even when she had a conversation about sex. She literally felt the weight of that burden on her shoulders whenever she tried. It restricted her in everything that had to do with sex. She felt restricted and ashamed. She was ashamed of who she was as a sexual human being, the things she enjoyed and the noises she made. She was ashamed of her facial expressions, the odours and the bodily fluids that flow freely.

And that is why she barely does anything related to sex anymore, even though she used to love having sex. She has an endless curiosity, she got to know herself better with every sexual encounter and she could fully enjoy it. Until the moment she met a man in a bar. The sexual attraction was amazing and before she knew it, she found herself in bed with him.

She completely embraced the moment. She had no restrictions whatsoever. And it felt like a total surrender. But then out of the blue, he asked her what she was doing. And the whole world stopped moving right then and there. What did he mean? Did she pull a funny face? Was it the way she groaned? Wasn’t she supposed to touch her own breasts? Or maybe it was the sound that came from her vagina? She was too afraid to ask and said nothing at all. What if he meant all of the above? What if all the things that she did were strange to him?

And in that specific moment, 9 years ago, the weight of the burden she carried on her shoulders started: a tremendous amount of shame and fear of letting herself go again. Ever since that moment she lost all the pleasure she used to have in sex. She had sex a couple of times since then, but she always held back. She was aware of every movement, every sound, every odour. Sex had never felt the same and she wasn’t able to enjoy it anymore like she used to before that one night, 9 years ago.

And if you would have asked her 9 years ago, she would have convinced you that all those odours, bodily fluids, funny faces, unsuspected sounds and touches were just part of having sex. She would have said it like a simple fact. But now, she had to convince herself of this fact to make sure that one day she would be able to have sex again without any shame or holding back.

Read more: columns by Nynke Nijman